She takes a bow, tears in her eyes
she says this will not be the last time
I may be done for now, but it's not for good
Keep looking, I'll be dancing again.
The lights sparkle like diamonds off her dress.
It twirls around her as she exits left,
so many thoughts run through her head
but none of them resound like this.
Dance is the story she has told
ever since she was three years old.
Never has she found another way
to express herself so beautifully
She tells a story with her moves,
each time her soul is renewed
So when people ask her, girl who are you?
She tells them she is The Dancer.
The makeup is gone and her hair is down
the costumes have been stowed away.
her dancing shoes are in her bag
as she exits from the dressing room.
Her friends bombard her as she steps out
to the screaming and joyous shouts
people hugging and congratulating
flowers are given in large bouquets.
Dance is the story she has told
ever since she was three years old.
Never has she found another way
to express herself so beautifully
She tells a story with her moves,
each time her soul is renewed
So when people ask her, girl who are you?
She tells them she is The Dancer.
In her room she flows with the wind, seeking peace from within.
Her moves aren't planned she just goes with the flow.
inside her head she's still on the stage.....
Dance is the story I have told
ever since I was three years old
never have I found another way
to express myself so beautifully
I may not be dancing still today
but I know that I will always stay
as the girl who replies like this
I tell them, I am The Dancer.
I am The Dancer.
The Dancer.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I Miss You.
I never thought it would hurt this much. Just letting people go.
People here don't know me. They don't accept me. They don't get me. I HAVE friends, just not here. I have a group of wonderful people back home who love me for ME, who love me for every little imperfection and flaw that comes with the package that is me. There are people back there waiting for me to come home because they love me, and they know me, and they ACCEPT me. They understand why I am the way I am. We have no secrets, because there is nothing I have to hide from them.
People say, college is a time for new beginnings. It's the time when you find new friends, and it's a time to reinvent yourself because no one knows your past. Well, that's not a good thing for me. People can't be my friend unless they know my past. I'm willing to tell these people here my past, but they aren't willing to listen.
I don't have any real friends here. I can't talk about boys, feelings or generally anything with these people. All they care about is sex, drinking and anything that has to do with partying. That's not all college is about. I came here for an education because I thought people wouldn't make fun for that. I thought I could get away with not partying, with not drinking, with not doing stupid s*** and still have friends. But I can't. I can't be accepted, I can't be loved unless I get just as s***faced as everyone else here.
I can't handle this anymore. I want to go home, I want to be back in the arms of the people who love me. I want to hug people I know will hug me back. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to hear my mom's voice, NOT over the phone. I want to feel my dad's scratchy beard on my forehead when he kisses me and tells me i'll always be his little girl, no matter how old I get. I never want to cry myself to sleep again over people hating me for no reason. I never again want to feel like the odd one out, like the thing that doesn't belong. Right now, I'm not like the kid who gets picked last for kickball. I'm more like the kid who has to sit in the bleachers because she knows she'll never get picked so she doesn't even stand in the line to save herself the embarrassment.
I miss those days when all I truly had to do was be myself, and no one laughed, no one made fun of me and no one told me I should go party instead of sitting in my dorm. I miss those days when I was in the middle of things, when I knew everything that was going on, when I was told I love you every day by one person or another. I haven't heard that from someone in person for over two weeks. I'm running out of self esteem and happiness. That's the fuel that helps me carry on. Soon, I'll be out of steam, and I'll be dead or broken down at the side of the road, calling out for someone to help me back up again. But out here, I know no one will answer my call.
People here don't know me. They don't accept me. They don't get me. I HAVE friends, just not here. I have a group of wonderful people back home who love me for ME, who love me for every little imperfection and flaw that comes with the package that is me. There are people back there waiting for me to come home because they love me, and they know me, and they ACCEPT me. They understand why I am the way I am. We have no secrets, because there is nothing I have to hide from them.
People say, college is a time for new beginnings. It's the time when you find new friends, and it's a time to reinvent yourself because no one knows your past. Well, that's not a good thing for me. People can't be my friend unless they know my past. I'm willing to tell these people here my past, but they aren't willing to listen.
I don't have any real friends here. I can't talk about boys, feelings or generally anything with these people. All they care about is sex, drinking and anything that has to do with partying. That's not all college is about. I came here for an education because I thought people wouldn't make fun for that. I thought I could get away with not partying, with not drinking, with not doing stupid s*** and still have friends. But I can't. I can't be accepted, I can't be loved unless I get just as s***faced as everyone else here.
I can't handle this anymore. I want to go home, I want to be back in the arms of the people who love me. I want to hug people I know will hug me back. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to hear my mom's voice, NOT over the phone. I want to feel my dad's scratchy beard on my forehead when he kisses me and tells me i'll always be his little girl, no matter how old I get. I never want to cry myself to sleep again over people hating me for no reason. I never again want to feel like the odd one out, like the thing that doesn't belong. Right now, I'm not like the kid who gets picked last for kickball. I'm more like the kid who has to sit in the bleachers because she knows she'll never get picked so she doesn't even stand in the line to save herself the embarrassment.
I miss those days when all I truly had to do was be myself, and no one laughed, no one made fun of me and no one told me I should go party instead of sitting in my dorm. I miss those days when I was in the middle of things, when I knew everything that was going on, when I was told I love you every day by one person or another. I haven't heard that from someone in person for over two weeks. I'm running out of self esteem and happiness. That's the fuel that helps me carry on. Soon, I'll be out of steam, and I'll be dead or broken down at the side of the road, calling out for someone to help me back up again. But out here, I know no one will answer my call.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Quelqu'un m'a dit - carla bruni
On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux
pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors?
On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...
Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors?
Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a t'on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possible alors?
On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos tristesse s'en fait des manteaux.
pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit.....
Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors?
Translation
They tell me that our lives aren't a big thing.
They pass by in an instant like the fading of roses.
They told me they glide by like a bastard
and that we make coats from our sorrows.
however, someone told me...
that you love me again
that someone who told me that you love me again
could it be possible?
They told me that destiny is mocking everything good about us.
That it gives you nothing but promises everything
and it seems as if happiness is within reach
and so we reach out but find ourselves to be crazy.
however someone told me....
that you love me again
that someone who told me that you love me again
could it be possible?
but who is that who told me that you always love me?
i don't remember anymore because it was late in the night
i still hear the voice but i don't see their face
"He loves you, it's a secret, he said not to tell you."
you see someone told me....
that you love me again, i had someone truly say
that you love me again, could it be possible?
they told me that our lives aren't a big thing
they pass by in an instant like the fading of roses
they told me that the time glides by like a bastard
that we make coats of sadness.
however someone told me....
that you love me again
that someone who told me that you love me again
could it be possible?
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
que de nos chagrins il s'en fait des manteaux
pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors?
On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
Qu'il ne nous donne rien et qu'il nous promet tout
Parais qu'le bonheur est à portée de main,
Alors on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit ...
Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors?
Mais qui est ce qui m'a dit que toujours tu m'aimais?
Je ne me souviens plus c'était tard dans la nuit,
J'entend encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
"Il vous aime, c'est secret, lui dites pas que j'vous l'ai dit"
Tu vois quelqu'un m'a dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, me l'a t'on vraiment dit...
Que tu m'aimais encore, serais ce possible alors?
On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand chose,
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses.
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
Que de nos tristesse s'en fait des manteaux.
pourtant quelqu'un m'a dit.....
Que tu m'aimais encore,
C'est quelqu'un qui m'a dit que tu m'aimais encore.
Serais ce possible alors?
Translation
They tell me that our lives aren't a big thing.
They pass by in an instant like the fading of roses.
They told me they glide by like a bastard
and that we make coats from our sorrows.
however, someone told me...
that you love me again
that someone who told me that you love me again
could it be possible?
They told me that destiny is mocking everything good about us.
That it gives you nothing but promises everything
and it seems as if happiness is within reach
and so we reach out but find ourselves to be crazy.
however someone told me....
that you love me again
that someone who told me that you love me again
could it be possible?
but who is that who told me that you always love me?
i don't remember anymore because it was late in the night
i still hear the voice but i don't see their face
"He loves you, it's a secret, he said not to tell you."
you see someone told me....
that you love me again, i had someone truly say
that you love me again, could it be possible?
they told me that our lives aren't a big thing
they pass by in an instant like the fading of roses
they told me that the time glides by like a bastard
that we make coats of sadness.
however someone told me....
that you love me again
that someone who told me that you love me again
could it be possible?
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
I never realized what I did to you.
i saved him.
i had such a huge impact on his life.
i literally saved his life.
he's a better person because of me and he knows it.
he told me he'd moved to 5 different states to go to rehab. all because i told him to, two years ago. I said i couldn't love him if he did all that stuff. he's been clean for two years now. because of me.
i never knew i could influence someone so completely, so totally that they would change their lives just to see me happy.
isnt this what ive prayed for my whole life? to have a life-changing impact on someone? i've achieved that before the age of 20.
"well tell them i said that they got a good roomate on their hands that they shouldnt take for granted... someone whos "normal everyday" interactions with someone can change a life so their incredibly lucky to be living with someone like that"
he said that about me.
i've asked for someone perfect. i've asked for someone who wants me as much as i want them.
i've asked for all this... perfection. all i really needed to look for was imperfection. and all that imperfection made him perfect in my eyes.
"hey, call me caught in 2 year old thoughts and emotions and call me crazy but i feel like we havent missed a beat.
uk, as if were still on that bus back from state n talking all night."
i had such a huge impact on his life.
i literally saved his life.
he's a better person because of me and he knows it.
he told me he'd moved to 5 different states to go to rehab. all because i told him to, two years ago. I said i couldn't love him if he did all that stuff. he's been clean for two years now. because of me.
i never knew i could influence someone so completely, so totally that they would change their lives just to see me happy.
isnt this what ive prayed for my whole life? to have a life-changing impact on someone? i've achieved that before the age of 20.
"well tell them i said that they got a good roomate on their hands that they shouldnt take for granted... someone whos "normal everyday" interactions with someone can change a life so their incredibly lucky to be living with someone like that"
he said that about me.
i've asked for someone perfect. i've asked for someone who wants me as much as i want them.
i've asked for all this... perfection. all i really needed to look for was imperfection. and all that imperfection made him perfect in my eyes.
"hey, call me caught in 2 year old thoughts and emotions and call me crazy but i feel like we havent missed a beat.
uk, as if were still on that bus back from state n talking all night."
Paper hearts.
with paper hearts and paper hands
our fragile words are written again
they crumple and rip so easily.
hold me again but ever so softly.
be gentle with me, im not made of stone
i can be ripped so quickly.
life's been taken, loves been shaken
but these words written on my paper hands
and my paper heart.
were written permanently.
with paper eyes and paper ears
i no longer can shed my tears
the paper can't be wet.
i can't release all these remarks
they're written inside with sharpie marks
they can't be erased.
life's been taken, love's been shaken
but these words written on my paper hands
and my paper heart.
were written permanently.
don't crumple me. don't tear me.
don't throw me out the window and let me blow away.
I am fragile. I am thin.
But I can hold the words that flow from within.
just listen
just listen
just listen
to your paper heart.
and write it
and write it
and write it
with your paper hands.
life's been taken, love's been shaken
but these words written on my paper hands
and my paper heart.
were written permanently.
our fragile words are written again
they crumple and rip so easily.
hold me again but ever so softly.
be gentle with me, im not made of stone
i can be ripped so quickly.
life's been taken, loves been shaken
but these words written on my paper hands
and my paper heart.
were written permanently.
with paper eyes and paper ears
i no longer can shed my tears
the paper can't be wet.
i can't release all these remarks
they're written inside with sharpie marks
they can't be erased.
life's been taken, love's been shaken
but these words written on my paper hands
and my paper heart.
were written permanently.
don't crumple me. don't tear me.
don't throw me out the window and let me blow away.
I am fragile. I am thin.
But I can hold the words that flow from within.
just listen
just listen
just listen
to your paper heart.
and write it
and write it
and write it
with your paper hands.
life's been taken, love's been shaken
but these words written on my paper hands
and my paper heart.
were written permanently.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Turn the page again....
once more, turn the page
stay with me, still i pray.
nothing i say or do will change your mind.
but i still can't decide.
to let you go
or let you in.
what else can i do make you see.
i cant still believe.
say what you want, say what you need.
but nothing i can say will make you see
you're all that i want, and you're all that i need.
so please baby please.
just take one more look at me.
one more look, one more look at me.
i can't make you go no i cant make you stay
no matter what i do it won't change your way
you can leave me here alone but baby dont you see
i can't live with out you next to me.
say what you want, say what you need.
but nothing i can say will make you see
you're all that i want, and you're all that i need.
so please baby please.
just take one more look at me
baby there isnt anything in this world
that would make me see you as anything less.
you dont know what you mean to me
but i guess that you should know
you're my everything....
say what you want, say what you need.
but nothing i can say will make you see
you're all that i want, and you're all that i need.
so please baby please.
just take one more look at me
say what you want, say what you need.
but nothing i can say will make you see
you're all that i want, and you're all that i need.
so please baby please.
just take one more look at me
take one look at me
take one look at me
take one look at me....
stay with me, still i pray.
nothing i say or do will change your mind.
but i still can't decide.
to let you go
or let you in.
what else can i do make you see.
i cant still believe.
say what you want, say what you need.
but nothing i can say will make you see
you're all that i want, and you're all that i need.
so please baby please.
just take one more look at me.
one more look, one more look at me.
i can't make you go no i cant make you stay
no matter what i do it won't change your way
you can leave me here alone but baby dont you see
i can't live with out you next to me.
say what you want, say what you need.
but nothing i can say will make you see
you're all that i want, and you're all that i need.
so please baby please.
just take one more look at me
baby there isnt anything in this world
that would make me see you as anything less.
you dont know what you mean to me
but i guess that you should know
you're my everything....
say what you want, say what you need.
but nothing i can say will make you see
you're all that i want, and you're all that i need.
so please baby please.
just take one more look at me
say what you want, say what you need.
but nothing i can say will make you see
you're all that i want, and you're all that i need.
so please baby please.
just take one more look at me
take one look at me
take one look at me
take one look at me....
ATTN: ERROR MSG 1
What exactly is so appealing about this specimen that we girls/women swoon over day after day? They're smelly, rude, obnoxious, oblivious, and sometimes even violent. But we just can't stay away. Damn you, biology that made this creature : the man.
The guy. The boy. The ever-frustrating, infuriating man. The other half of humanity. No woman seems to understand just how guys work. They always seem to be trying to dominate the situation, as if they always have to be in control. Or sometimes they just stand by and do nothing. With guys, there is no "in between." There's only all or nothing. They only have extremes to nearly everything. Except emotions.
Why is it that when a girl shows interest, most of the time he pulls away? Shouldn't he enjoy the praise and affection she's showering him with? Apparently not. I've been told many times over that if you want a guy, ignore him. Well that just seems stupid to me. Why would I ignore someone I want to get to know? You know, get closer to. I feel like ignoring them would be basically pushing them away. I don't get it.
So tell me guys. What is it that's so confusing about girls?
The guy. The boy. The ever-frustrating, infuriating man. The other half of humanity. No woman seems to understand just how guys work. They always seem to be trying to dominate the situation, as if they always have to be in control. Or sometimes they just stand by and do nothing. With guys, there is no "in between." There's only all or nothing. They only have extremes to nearly everything. Except emotions.
Why is it that when a girl shows interest, most of the time he pulls away? Shouldn't he enjoy the praise and affection she's showering him with? Apparently not. I've been told many times over that if you want a guy, ignore him. Well that just seems stupid to me. Why would I ignore someone I want to get to know? You know, get closer to. I feel like ignoring them would be basically pushing them away. I don't get it.
So tell me guys. What is it that's so confusing about girls?
Saturday, August 21, 2010
I can't think of a creative title. sorry.
I smelled the sweet scent of his breath as he breathed on my neck. Chills ran down my spine and I shivered, not from the cold but more from joy. He was here with me, and I couldn't ask for more. He was slightly taller than me, with messy dark brown hair that seemed to have a mind of it's own. His eyes were a deep chocolate color that could hide anything, or reveal everything. His smile dazzled me, each and every time he smiled. His hands were bigger than mine but gentle when we touched. He was muscular and strong, but he had a softer side that anyone rarely saw. I loved him, and I hoped he loved me. There wasn't a single thing about him that I found wrong. So he drank. So he smoked. He was still fit and healthy and easy to love. Easy to let yourself fall into the deepness of his eyes. Easy to melt into his embrace. Easy to fall, and fall hard for in a short period of time. I had never wanted anyone more.
His hands grazed my bare arms, reaching around to pull me in closer to him. I shivered again, but sank back into his arms, allowing myself to relax and mold myself around his body. My head fit perfectly under his strong chin and he nuzzled my hair when my head fell back into my favorite crevice under his chin. My hands rested on top of his and he proceeded to trace the lines of my hand with one of his fingers. I turned my head slightly to the side and breathed in deep. His scent caressed my nose, causing a tingling sensation. He smelled like wood smoke and cologne. I breathed in once more, trying to burn the memory of his smell into my mind. My heart was racing at the thought of being in his arms and the fact I was wrapped up with him. I felt... safe. Protected. I felt invincible when he held me like he did then. I was in heaven. I was being held in the arms of an angel. No, not one of those dressed-in-all-white-harp-carrying angels, more like a fallen angel. A fallen angel whose face was sweet, but had a rebellious side that caused him to be kicked out of heaven and fall down to earth right in front of me. That's just how it felt like when he came crashing into my life. There was this feeling that hit me like a wave in high tide. I hadn't recognized it then, but I did now. I had fallen for the fallen angel at first flight. He might have been kicked out of heaven, but he had saved me. Saved me from loneliness and solitude. He saved me from never being loved. He saved me from being hurt, maimed, or beaten.
But most of all
he saved my heart.
From My Heart
And From My Heart Comes A Thousand Songs
A Thousand Goodbyes
A Thousand Tears I've Cried.
No One Else Has Done What You Have
Stolen My Heart
Taken A Part Of Me
So Now, As I Sit Here, I Wonder.
What Do You Have To Offer Me?
I Have So Much To Offer You.
You Only Have To Realize That This Isn't A Game
I'm Not A Girl To Be Played
You Can't Cheat, You Can't Lie
You'll Have To Play Fair
Or Suffer My Goodbyes
6 Days Go By I'm Sitting Alone
On An Empty Couch
In An Empty Home.
You Played The Game, Broke The Rules
Now You Live
With A Bunch Of Fools
Sorry You Didn't Learn The First Time
I Told You Son.
The Love's Gone From My Eyes.
A Thousand Goodbyes
A Thousand Tears I've Cried.
No One Else Has Done What You Have
Stolen My Heart
Taken A Part Of Me
So Now, As I Sit Here, I Wonder.
What Do You Have To Offer Me?
I Have So Much To Offer You.
You Only Have To Realize That This Isn't A Game
I'm Not A Girl To Be Played
You Can't Cheat, You Can't Lie
You'll Have To Play Fair
Or Suffer My Goodbyes
6 Days Go By I'm Sitting Alone
On An Empty Couch
In An Empty Home.
You Played The Game, Broke The Rules
Now You Live
With A Bunch Of Fools
Sorry You Didn't Learn The First Time
I Told You Son.
The Love's Gone From My Eyes.
New Post
I don't know what this is from, but I just had a random flash of inspiration.
And as he fell into his drunken sleep, I gazed into his face again for the thousandth time that night. He looked so much more relaxed when he slept, even if it was a dreamless sleep induced by alcohol. His thick dark hair was a mess but it was more charming and cute than sloppy. I couldn't help myself from falling, even if he was completely wrong for me. His words fell like sweet honey from his lips, telling me I was beautiful and that he'd never met anyone as intriguing as me in his entire life. He wanted to stay with me for as long as he lived because I was the sunshine to his rainy day. It's like he knew exactly what I wanted to hear and said it. His smile was always there too, pulling me in even more. I was the earth revolving around the sun, which was him. the gravitational pull emulating from him was too strong for me to break free, not that I wanted to. My friends would tell me that he was so wrong for me. After all, I'd only known him for a day, but he'd already affected me like I'd known him for a lifetime. I was almost drunken myself, even though I'd had no alcohol. I was drunk on his affection, his sweet words, his kisses, his face. When I closed my eyes, I only saw his smile. I always wanted to see his smile. Not just when my eyes were closed, but when I opened them to see his sun every day. When I woke up I wanted to see him gazing into my face lovingly, and I wanted to return that look. His love was my drug, my anti-drug, my drunkenness, and my sobriety. He was everything, and yet nothing. I couldn't bring myself to leave his side. I just sat there on the side of his bed, affectionately stroking his hair attempting to smooth the mess down. I smiled a little small smile, and my heart raced on at the thoughts running through my head. His skin was warm, almost hot to the touch when he laid his face in my lap before passing out.
Normally I never accepted drinking until you were so drunk you couldn't function. But I wanted to make him happy. So I let him do what he wanted, even when I knew it was destroying his body. But yet, when he was drunk, his affections never changed for me. He still acted as though he loved me more than anything in the world, and never tried to take advantage of me. I realized that on the inside, he was so much more than a man. He was a genuine gentleman, no matter what state of mind he was in. I smiled even more at that thought. How could I have been so lucky as to have had him just come crashing into my life like a shooting star falling to earth? What did I do to deserve him? How come he wanted me, plain old me, and not one of the gorgeous, model-looking women that swooned around him everywhere he went. What made him want me?
But somehow, I'd become his world in a matter of a few hours, and he'd become mine. I couldn't grasp that idea that someone wanted me as much, if anything more, than I wanted him. He was everything I could have ever asked for, and more.
*This is a piece of fiction. It's slightly based on real people and events but so loosely that it hardly has any relevance to my real life. Don't take this as something real, it's only in my head. :)*
And as he fell into his drunken sleep, I gazed into his face again for the thousandth time that night. He looked so much more relaxed when he slept, even if it was a dreamless sleep induced by alcohol. His thick dark hair was a mess but it was more charming and cute than sloppy. I couldn't help myself from falling, even if he was completely wrong for me. His words fell like sweet honey from his lips, telling me I was beautiful and that he'd never met anyone as intriguing as me in his entire life. He wanted to stay with me for as long as he lived because I was the sunshine to his rainy day. It's like he knew exactly what I wanted to hear and said it. His smile was always there too, pulling me in even more. I was the earth revolving around the sun, which was him. the gravitational pull emulating from him was too strong for me to break free, not that I wanted to. My friends would tell me that he was so wrong for me. After all, I'd only known him for a day, but he'd already affected me like I'd known him for a lifetime. I was almost drunken myself, even though I'd had no alcohol. I was drunk on his affection, his sweet words, his kisses, his face. When I closed my eyes, I only saw his smile. I always wanted to see his smile. Not just when my eyes were closed, but when I opened them to see his sun every day. When I woke up I wanted to see him gazing into my face lovingly, and I wanted to return that look. His love was my drug, my anti-drug, my drunkenness, and my sobriety. He was everything, and yet nothing. I couldn't bring myself to leave his side. I just sat there on the side of his bed, affectionately stroking his hair attempting to smooth the mess down. I smiled a little small smile, and my heart raced on at the thoughts running through my head. His skin was warm, almost hot to the touch when he laid his face in my lap before passing out.
Normally I never accepted drinking until you were so drunk you couldn't function. But I wanted to make him happy. So I let him do what he wanted, even when I knew it was destroying his body. But yet, when he was drunk, his affections never changed for me. He still acted as though he loved me more than anything in the world, and never tried to take advantage of me. I realized that on the inside, he was so much more than a man. He was a genuine gentleman, no matter what state of mind he was in. I smiled even more at that thought. How could I have been so lucky as to have had him just come crashing into my life like a shooting star falling to earth? What did I do to deserve him? How come he wanted me, plain old me, and not one of the gorgeous, model-looking women that swooned around him everywhere he went. What made him want me?
But somehow, I'd become his world in a matter of a few hours, and he'd become mine. I couldn't grasp that idea that someone wanted me as much, if anything more, than I wanted him. He was everything I could have ever asked for, and more.
*This is a piece of fiction. It's slightly based on real people and events but so loosely that it hardly has any relevance to my real life. Don't take this as something real, it's only in my head. :)*
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
And Now, I have failed.
And I just found out that my wesley is in a relationship.
should I say FML now
or later?
should I say FML now
or later?
Wesley has been found. :)
So college has finally begun.
I hated it the first day. It was the worst experience of my life. I cried myself to sleep the first night after my parents left, but honestly, I knew that would happen. I love my family and it's hard living without them.
But now I have a new family. The Alligators. The camp I'm currently at right now put me in a group of wonderful, spunky, charming, intelligent and amazing people who love and care for me, even though they've only known me for two days. It's amazing how 12 people can come together so quickly in such a short span of time.
In this group of mine there is a certain.... guy. I'll call him Guy, because I want him to remain ambiguous, for now. The people who need to know his name, already do.
But anyways, he's become the center of my life in a few short hours. I've never been so quickly attracted to someone like this. OUTSIDE my head, at least. He's perfect for me. He's the calm to my crazy storm, he likes music like me, and he isn't afraid to embrace my craziness. In fact, I almost feel like he enjoys it. He's the peanut to my butter, the Albert to my Einstein, and the bus to my stop. I can't stop thinking about him, and the bonus is, HE'S REAL.
I hated it the first day. It was the worst experience of my life. I cried myself to sleep the first night after my parents left, but honestly, I knew that would happen. I love my family and it's hard living without them.
But now I have a new family. The Alligators. The camp I'm currently at right now put me in a group of wonderful, spunky, charming, intelligent and amazing people who love and care for me, even though they've only known me for two days. It's amazing how 12 people can come together so quickly in such a short span of time.
In this group of mine there is a certain.... guy. I'll call him Guy, because I want him to remain ambiguous, for now. The people who need to know his name, already do.
But anyways, he's become the center of my life in a few short hours. I've never been so quickly attracted to someone like this. OUTSIDE my head, at least. He's perfect for me. He's the calm to my crazy storm, he likes music like me, and he isn't afraid to embrace my craziness. In fact, I almost feel like he enjoys it. He's the peanut to my butter, the Albert to my Einstein, and the bus to my stop. I can't stop thinking about him, and the bonus is, HE'S REAL.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
You'll Get Sick Of Me Quickly
I don't know what to DO about this!!
I feel like I need to do something, but I can't.... I'm so lost. I'm confused, and I don't know how to deal with these feelings I'm having. I feel like I should write a song, but I can't find the right words... I need to do something though.
There's nothing that I can do.
I can't even say to you
how intense this fire burns inside of me.
I can't find the right words.
I can't even begin to think
that I can love another being as much as you.
Something's gotten a hold on me.
something so strong I can't break free
and your love seems to be the only thing that can save me.
But soon I come to realize
that your love resides behind my eyes
nothing I can do will make you real.
Inside my heart I can see
that the force that's binding me
is stronger than you, stronger than me.
I can never break free.
break free.
My mind has gone blank.
I don't want to think.
any more words will hurt too much.
Alone in the world.
I'm seeing myself.
and realizing this was all a dream.
I feel like I need to do something, but I can't.... I'm so lost. I'm confused, and I don't know how to deal with these feelings I'm having. I feel like I should write a song, but I can't find the right words... I need to do something though.
There's nothing that I can do.
I can't even say to you
how intense this fire burns inside of me.
I can't find the right words.
I can't even begin to think
that I can love another being as much as you.
Something's gotten a hold on me.
something so strong I can't break free
and your love seems to be the only thing that can save me.
But soon I come to realize
that your love resides behind my eyes
nothing I can do will make you real.
Inside my heart I can see
that the force that's binding me
is stronger than you, stronger than me.
I can never break free.
break free.
My mind has gone blank.
I don't want to think.
any more words will hurt too much.
Alone in the world.
I'm seeing myself.
and realizing this was all a dream.
Something's gotten a hold on me.
something so strong I can't break free
and your love seems to be the only thing that can save me.
But soon I come to realize
that your love resides behind my eyes
nothing I can do will make you real.
Inside my heart I can see
that the force that's binding me
is stronger than you, stronger than me.
I can never break free.
break free.
These chains that bind my heart to yours
can only be seen by our love that's pure
I'm loving you and by doing so
I'm loving me too.
Something's gotten a hold on me.
something so strong I can't break free
and your love seems to be the only thing that can save me.
But soon I come to realize
that your love resides behind my eyes
nothing I can do will make you real.
Inside my heart I can see
that the force that's binding me
is stronger than you, stronger than me.
I can never break free.
break free.
this doesn't even begin to describe the emotional storm churning inside my heart. I don't know what to DO. I'm so frustrated with myself because I'm the only one who understands what I'm feeling and I can't handle all that pressure or responsibility. It's too much for one strange girl in love with a figment of her own subconscious.
Nothing makes any sense anymore.
Im in Love with a Man-Elf from my Dreams.
I wanted to make a song out of this idea that's floating around in my head but it's just not working. My emotions are to befuddled right now...
I had a dream last night that honestly, has changed me forever. I dreamed of this.... man-elf. Throughout my dream i felt my dream-self falling more and more in love with him, and i realize now that this feeling has carried over to my waking self. I know it's ridiculous, falling in love with a fantasy character from one's dreams, but I can't help who I fall for. I think about it constantly and I hope I have the same dream again tonight. I want to see his face again. I don't even know his name. I never gave him one.
But love makes you weak. All I wanted to do today at work was find a pen and some paper and write love poems to this dream-man. And when I couldn't, I became depressed. I actually felt like crying... Is that sad?
I don't understand why I can't simply fall for a normal guy. It's probably because I'm not a normal girl. I like the strangest things, and I'm hard to figure out, even for me. But I feel like my dream-man understands me. Most likely because he's a figment of my imagination, thus, he's a part of me. But maybe that's what it takes to love me, is to have a part of me.
I've given my heart to real people before and it's never turned out well. I've never felt this way before about anyone outside of my head. It's like this constant tingly/sparkly/nervous feeling that makes my stomach churn. My arms are weak and my legs are shaky. I actually almost fainted at work today when I thought about my dream again. No REAL guy has ever had this effect on me.
Maybe I'm under a spell. The man in my dreams IS an elf after all. He's got magical powers. From inside the confines of my brain, he's putting me under a love spell. I don't mind, after all, the feeling is... pretty much indescribable. I tried describing it but I think love is different for everyone. Or maybe it's the same and it's just so hard to explain so we don't know how everyone else feels.
And notice I always call my dream-man a MAN and never a boy or a guy. It's because he's more than just an awkward teenager or a pompous stuck-up guy. He's everything and MORE for my description of a man. How do I know this? Well, isn't it obvious? I created him in the likeness of my definition of a true man. And apparently somewhere in that definition, the term "man" isn't confined to just humans anymore.
So what do I mean to say from all this? Exactly what the post title says.
"I'm in love with a Man-Elf from my Dreams."
and frankly, I'm proud of it.
i even found a picture. it doesn't do him justice, but it's as close as i can get.
i even found a picture. it doesn't do him justice, but it's as close as i can get.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Footprints on the Moon
I've been listening to random music, and I saw the title of a song I was listening to was called "Footprints on the Moon" and for some reason, that line just struck a huge chord with me. I don't know what it is, but I loved the idea. so here's a little poetry inspired by that song.
like footprints on the moon,
the impossible has been done.
i've lived a life full and well
and i don't plan to stop now.
where did our innocence go?
why can we not be like the children,
and think of nothing but the sunshine on our faces
and the birds in the trees,
and the grass stains on our knees,
and the flowers in our hair,
and the laughter everywhere.
where did our innocence go?
away with the wind of winter,
and never brought back with the buds in may.
seasons come and seasons go,
but there is one thing i still know.
footprints on the moon can last forever.
like footprints on the moon,
the impossible has been done.
i've lived a life full and well
and i don't plan to stop now.
where did our innocence go?
why can we not be like the children,
and think of nothing but the sunshine on our faces
and the birds in the trees,
and the grass stains on our knees,
and the flowers in our hair,
and the laughter everywhere.
where did our innocence go?
away with the wind of winter,
and never brought back with the buds in may.
seasons come and seasons go,
but there is one thing i still know.
footprints on the moon can last forever.
I Just Thought I'd Let You Know
I have a new blog!!!
So all of my really long/ continuous stories will go on that blog instead simply because it will save me a lot of space on here as well as making this a little more organized. :)
GO FOLLOW IT
thats where I'm moving the west saga to, so if you want more, go there.
here's the link. -- Nighttime Rooftops
So all of my really long/ continuous stories will go on that blog instead simply because it will save me a lot of space on here as well as making this a little more organized. :)
GO FOLLOW IT
thats where I'm moving the west saga to, so if you want more, go there.
here's the link. -- Nighttime Rooftops
Je DETESTE L'amour. (The West Saga)
I hate love. It's so stupid, and pointless and...
"Tia!"
You're kidding me, right?
"Tia!"
No, I'm not okay. Don't talk to me.
"Seriously, Tia. If you want to live, answer me!"
"WHAT?" I screamed from my bed.
"Tia, you need to go to rehearsal. Mona's been calling your cell phone for like, the past ten minutes. I answered it the last time and she says if you don't get down there in 5 minutes, she's coming to get you."
Oh shit. That's never good. "Fine."
Still grumbling, I got out of bed and put on my rehearsal clothes. I wasn't too thrilled about having to spend an hour and a half with Wes. Not only that but I was guessing Mona wasn't going to go easy on me. She could be pretty harsh to kids who didn't respect her, and I was guessing my being late was going to seem like an act of disrespect to her.
It took me 7 minutes to get down to the theater. When I finally arrived in the practice room, Mona wasn't at all furious like I had anticipated. Instead, she had set up three chairs, two of which were occupied. She motioned for me to sit in the empty one next to Wes.
Uh oh. This CAN'T be good.
"Tia, Wes told me what happened. He said he thought it would be best if you guys tried talking about it." Mona said when I took a seat.
I glared at Wes, trying to make him feel how angry I was at him. "No, Mona. I think it would be a terrible idea to talk about it. He knows exactly what's up with me, and if he doesn't, well, then I don't see how he got into college."
Mona gave me an I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that look, and I shot a look of defiance right back at her.
"I'm serious, Mona. Everything I said, I meant. Did he tell you exactly what I said?"
"Yes, Tia actually he did. And everything about Lydia too."
"I don't like her. What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing. I'm just saying you acted off of nearly no basis whatsoever, and it was very rash."
"So?"
"So, what I'm saying is, you need to cool down, Tia."
COOL DOWN? This... BOY sitting next to me is the stupidest, thick-headed IDIOT to ever walk the planet! "Cool down? What are you trying to tell me, Mona? That I'm rash? That I can't control my emotions? What does that have to do with dance, exactly?"
"It has a lot to do with dance. If you can't describe how you feel, you dance the way you feel. I want this dance to be full of passion and romance. You can't do that when you basically hate the person you're dancing with."
I huffed. "Fine. What do we talk about then?"
Mona nodded at Wes. "Well," he said. "First off, let's get this Lydia thing cleared up. I was only trying to be her friend, Tia."
"She has plenty of friends."
"Don't interrupt me please. Anyways, she was having trouble with math, so I offered to help. I'm a nice guy, and she asked nicely."
"So why'd you give her my spot in the first place?"
"I asked you not to interrupt! Sheesh. I gave her your spot because I figured you would be graceful about it and just let her have it instead of getting all defensive..."
"Oh wait just a second Wes! I would have been okay with it if she hadn't sat there all class period flirting with you instead of listening to the lecture! I bet you didn't even notice her flirting, did you?"
"Flirting? Tia that's ridiculous. She wasn't flirting, she was asking for my HELP."
"Yeah, all the while flipping her perfect hair all around and batting her eyelashes at you while moving her chair closer to you! How can you not see that?"
"Sounds to me like she was flirting, Wes." Mona chipped in.
We both looked at her like she was crazy. "What? I was only saying that Tia's right. She was flirting."
I smirked at him. "I told you. I bet you she didn't even need your help and that she was only trying to get to you."
"So she could what? Become my girlfriend? Maybe I wouldn't mind that!" Wes shouted angrily.
I sat in silence for a second, stunned by what he said. "Are you serious?" I finally said, my voice nearly a whisper. "You want her to be your girlfriend? I... Don't.... You....." I stopped, feeling myself choking up.
"I didn't say that Tia. I said..."
"I know what you SAID Wes. But don't you remember what I said?" I looked at him for a second, pleading with him silently, willing him to remember.
"What you said when?"
I looked down, brokenhearted. "Never mind. I guess it wasn't that important after all. Mona, I think we're done here." I stood up and began walking away.
Wes ran after me. "Tia, if you mean what you said during our argument yesterday, I remember. I just didn't want to talk about it in front of Mona." He put a hand on my shoulder.
I shrugged it off. "Yeah, Wes. I was talking about that. But if you can't talk about it in front of Mona, maybe I was wrong about us being anything."
"I just thought it should be a little more personal when were just figuring out everything."
"Yeah, well we're all figured out. There's nothing between us. I'll dance with you, but nothing more. Lydia can have my seat for good. I don't care." And with that, I walked out.
I went to our spot again, hoping he would come. I still had the hope that if he liked me as much as I liked him, he wouldn't just let me walk out of his life like that. And I hoped that if he did, he would know that I would come here.
So I waited and I thought about what had gone wrong. I knew Lydia had been the start of it all, but it was my overprotective jealousy that had really set off the argument. Maybe Mona was right and I was rash and I needed to cool down. Or maybe she wasn't, and I needed to put out the match that had started the fire. Lydia.
"Tia!"
You're kidding me, right?
"Tia!"
No, I'm not okay. Don't talk to me.
"Seriously, Tia. If you want to live, answer me!"
"WHAT?" I screamed from my bed.
"Tia, you need to go to rehearsal. Mona's been calling your cell phone for like, the past ten minutes. I answered it the last time and she says if you don't get down there in 5 minutes, she's coming to get you."
Oh shit. That's never good. "Fine."
Still grumbling, I got out of bed and put on my rehearsal clothes. I wasn't too thrilled about having to spend an hour and a half with Wes. Not only that but I was guessing Mona wasn't going to go easy on me. She could be pretty harsh to kids who didn't respect her, and I was guessing my being late was going to seem like an act of disrespect to her.
It took me 7 minutes to get down to the theater. When I finally arrived in the practice room, Mona wasn't at all furious like I had anticipated. Instead, she had set up three chairs, two of which were occupied. She motioned for me to sit in the empty one next to Wes.
Uh oh. This CAN'T be good.
"Tia, Wes told me what happened. He said he thought it would be best if you guys tried talking about it." Mona said when I took a seat.
I glared at Wes, trying to make him feel how angry I was at him. "No, Mona. I think it would be a terrible idea to talk about it. He knows exactly what's up with me, and if he doesn't, well, then I don't see how he got into college."
Mona gave me an I-can't-believe-you-just-said-that look, and I shot a look of defiance right back at her.
"I'm serious, Mona. Everything I said, I meant. Did he tell you exactly what I said?"
"Yes, Tia actually he did. And everything about Lydia too."
"I don't like her. What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing. I'm just saying you acted off of nearly no basis whatsoever, and it was very rash."
"So?"
"So, what I'm saying is, you need to cool down, Tia."
COOL DOWN? This... BOY sitting next to me is the stupidest, thick-headed IDIOT to ever walk the planet! "Cool down? What are you trying to tell me, Mona? That I'm rash? That I can't control my emotions? What does that have to do with dance, exactly?"
"It has a lot to do with dance. If you can't describe how you feel, you dance the way you feel. I want this dance to be full of passion and romance. You can't do that when you basically hate the person you're dancing with."
I huffed. "Fine. What do we talk about then?"
Mona nodded at Wes. "Well," he said. "First off, let's get this Lydia thing cleared up. I was only trying to be her friend, Tia."
"She has plenty of friends."
"Don't interrupt me please. Anyways, she was having trouble with math, so I offered to help. I'm a nice guy, and she asked nicely."
"So why'd you give her my spot in the first place?"
"I asked you not to interrupt! Sheesh. I gave her your spot because I figured you would be graceful about it and just let her have it instead of getting all defensive..."
"Oh wait just a second Wes! I would have been okay with it if she hadn't sat there all class period flirting with you instead of listening to the lecture! I bet you didn't even notice her flirting, did you?"
"Flirting? Tia that's ridiculous. She wasn't flirting, she was asking for my HELP."
"Yeah, all the while flipping her perfect hair all around and batting her eyelashes at you while moving her chair closer to you! How can you not see that?"
"Sounds to me like she was flirting, Wes." Mona chipped in.
We both looked at her like she was crazy. "What? I was only saying that Tia's right. She was flirting."
I smirked at him. "I told you. I bet you she didn't even need your help and that she was only trying to get to you."
"So she could what? Become my girlfriend? Maybe I wouldn't mind that!" Wes shouted angrily.
I sat in silence for a second, stunned by what he said. "Are you serious?" I finally said, my voice nearly a whisper. "You want her to be your girlfriend? I... Don't.... You....." I stopped, feeling myself choking up.
"I didn't say that Tia. I said..."
"I know what you SAID Wes. But don't you remember what I said?" I looked at him for a second, pleading with him silently, willing him to remember.
"What you said when?"
I looked down, brokenhearted. "Never mind. I guess it wasn't that important after all. Mona, I think we're done here." I stood up and began walking away.
Wes ran after me. "Tia, if you mean what you said during our argument yesterday, I remember. I just didn't want to talk about it in front of Mona." He put a hand on my shoulder.
I shrugged it off. "Yeah, Wes. I was talking about that. But if you can't talk about it in front of Mona, maybe I was wrong about us being anything."
"I just thought it should be a little more personal when were just figuring out everything."
"Yeah, well we're all figured out. There's nothing between us. I'll dance with you, but nothing more. Lydia can have my seat for good. I don't care." And with that, I walked out.
I went to our spot again, hoping he would come. I still had the hope that if he liked me as much as I liked him, he wouldn't just let me walk out of his life like that. And I hoped that if he did, he would know that I would come here.
So I waited and I thought about what had gone wrong. I knew Lydia had been the start of it all, but it was my overprotective jealousy that had really set off the argument. Maybe Mona was right and I was rash and I needed to cool down. Or maybe she wasn't, and I needed to put out the match that had started the fire. Lydia.
Love Is Where You Least Expect It.
HERE I am.
Waiting.........
for that one moment when your whole life,
your whole being c o m e s t o g e t her.
and you find out that all you're really l00king for
is right beside you.
beside you.
love is always where you least expect it.
Waiting.........
for that one moment when your whole life,
your whole being c o m e s t o g e t her.
and you find out that all you're really l00king for
is right beside you.
beside you.
love is always where you least expect it.
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