It was sparkless. I don't feel anything for him anymore, other than appreciation and a friendly kind of love. It's like hanging out with my best friend who likes to make out with me. It's just not right anymore.
I'm a free spirit, a free moving soul who now, I know, can't be tied down for long with that much love and devotion. I thought I wanted it, and the look in his eyes the first time he told me he loved me made me feel like nothing else in this world mattered.
That look is still in his eyes, but no longer in mine. I can't do it any longer, I can't be with him any longer. and that's just unfair to him, keeping him in my possession until I find someone better. And it's unfair to the girl out there who will someday be his wife. And she is so fucking lucky. He's the kindest, sweetest, gentlest, most caring and loving man in the world. I'm lucky to have him now, and to have had him for so long. But I'm not all that he needs. I'm not right for him.
I'm such a conflicted person. Writing this, I never wanted anything more than to feel the way I did when he first asked me to be his. I've never wanted anything more than to feel that way again. Like I was floating on a cloud, like my life was perfect, like the missing puzzle piece had been found.
But it's like someone forced us together, like we almost fit, but the right piece is out there somewhere, and we're just not the best fit. I know I have someone out there, and I wished right now more than anything that it was him. But I know in my heart that it's not. And I'm starting to realize that this whole time was a learning experience. I know now to be more careful.
He didn't break my heart, I broke my own heart. I didn't give myself enough time to really figure myself out, and to really get my life in order. I was just so tired of being lonely, and he was the most amazing thing to come tumbling into my lap in a long time. I couldn't resist. I couldn't resist his eyes, his touch, his kiss, his breath, his skin, his smell. He was the most miraculous thing that I'd ever had the pleasure of calling my own, and now I don't even feel like I can call him that any longer.
He doesn't know any of this. He has no idea that I don't love him like I used to. He has no idea that my puzzle piece isn't the perfect match to his. We never talked about marriage, because I didn't ever think it would last that long. Did I know from the beginning that it wouldn't last? After we passed the number one month mark, I thought he was the one. I'd never been serious with a guy for that long, and it surprised me. But it only took one little seed of doubt planted in my heart to make me realize that I truly did know that he wasn't it. And my heart is telling me now that there's no more fireworks.
I kissed him goodbye today. It was exactly like our first kiss, same spot, same lips, same tenderness. But the feeling was completely wrong. I wasn't ready to giggle hysterically or melt to my knees. I was ready to cry, bawl, sob, and completely lose control because I knew his knees were weaker than mine would ever be. And that alone is enough to make me cry.
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