I'm finally giving in.

I'm getting a tumblr. mostly so I can find Harry Potter memes and schtuffs. and because Ryan and Ben (friends from Michigan) have been bothering me to get one. So.... Yeah. Gettin' da Tumblr. Heh.

"You were the Horcrux he never meant to make."

"Epilogue"- Written By Tia Dowding (that's me... If you didn't know)

I grew up in your light
and basked inside your words
to love you was to love the impossible
but nothing's impossible in your world

I lived inside your world
but only in my dreams
and nights would come when the days didn't make sense
and the world was shifting right out of my hands

But now it's over.
But life for you has just begun.
Go sing on a stage, and act your own way
but know this,
I miss this.
I just can't believe
it's over.

Tales if myth, tales of wonder
swirled inside your mouth
and off your tongue dripped cool clear water
that turned into crystal when it hit the parchment

But now it's over.

But life for you has just begun.

Go sing on a stage, and act your own way

but know this,

I miss this.

I just can't believe

it's over.

for years and years I read your words

for years and years I imagined your face

for years and years it stared me down

but now it's gone and it pulls my heart out of my chest

But now it's over.

But life for you has just begun.

Go sing on a stage, and act your own way

but know this,

I miss this.

I just can't believe

it's over.

All the fucking videos I try posting here just end up getting fucked up. WTF BLOGSPOT. Ugh. This is the best take I can give you. It only cuts off two words at the end.

I'm gonna leave that video up for people who arent friends with me on FB. but for those of you who are, this is the link to a BETTER video of this song. VIDEO

Plans.

I must tell you all- I am heartbroken. A boy I knew and loved died last night, on July 15th. His name was Harry Potter, and he was killed by Voldemort.

Now for those of you hopeless people out there who have NOT read the books, first of all you make me very sad, and second of all, I'm not going to tell you what happens in this movie because that would be rude of me.

But I will tell you about that night.
I got to see the final movie in the amazing, decade long phenomenon series of books and movies, HARRY POTTER & THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 2. It was the most amazing night in a long time. I dressed as Voldemort's faithful servant, Bellatrix, and went to the midnight premier showing at 12:01 in 3D. The entire audience acted as one from the very moment the lights dimmed in the theatre. Through the entire movie, we all cried, laughed, clapped, and cheered together at all the right moments. The end recieved the most thunderous applause of all, only beating out Mrs. Weasley's line to Bellatrix- "Not my daughter, you BITCH!"- by a few hoots and hollers and pairs of hands. But I felt, empty when the lights came up. It truly felt like a part of me had died.

Harry Potter was my childhood, what I grew up with, the one place that I modeled all of my childhood imaginations and dreams off of. Harry Potter was the defining characteristic of my generation. Now that it's finally over, what else is there for me to hold onto in my pre-adult life that still connects me to my youth? It's.... over. Those words are hard for me to accept, or understand. I don't want to believe it's over. I tried to accept it, but acceptance won't come. So an idea formed in my head. I can make Harry Potter live on. ME. And that's what I plan to do.

So. Here's the point of my post (really):
I'm planning on writing a fan fiction. I'm announcing this, because I think I'm going to make this a big project. I'm going to spend a long time on it, not half-assing or anything. I'm going to do my intense Harry Potter research, plotting timelines, bloodlines, and storylines. I'm not just going to write a story that I don't know how it's going to end. I'm going to write a story, and know exactly where, who, what, when, and why is happening. I want to know my characters inside and out before I write a word about anything they do. I want to know my setting better than the very town I grew up in. I want this more than I want anything. So this is what I will do.

1. Research Phase
-Reading the books again.
-Noting each bloodline (Harry's, Ron's, Hermione's, Voldemort's, Dumbledore's.)
-Noting each friend-foe relationship, allegiance (Voldemort, or Dumbledore/Harry)

2. Outline Phase
-Character development (name, age, personality, lineage, parenthood, ect.)
-Chapter plotline
-Draft ending, work backwards drafting chapter-by-chapter

3. Writing Phase
-Working backwards, make a rough draft of each chapter.
-PROOFREAD. Make necessary changes.
-Draft FORWARDS this time.
-PROOFREAD. Make necessary changes.
-Compare both rough manuscripts
-Combine (if necessary)

4. Editing Phase
-Pretty self-explanatory. Edit the F**K out of it.

After that, I don't know how many years will have gone by, but hopefully (maybe?) this will only take a year or two. But seriously, after that, I'm not sure what to do. Send a rough first chapter out to publishing companies. I doubt they'll take another look at a fan fiction, but I'd love them to at least look. Maybe I'll get lucky.


I know this seems like a lot of hype over something I'm inevitably going to give up. I always seem to. But this time is different. There's a personal connection, an emotion attached behind the motives to do this. I want this so badly. I want to make Harry Potter even more immortal than J.K. Rowling has made him. It's going to be a lot of work, but I'm looking forward to it.

I want to write this.

I want to write something beautiful, something beautiful just for you. But I don't know if these words are going to come out right.
We started out all wrong. All wrong indeed. Nothing was right about us, for many reasons. But I feel as if we could start over. But you don't seem all that interested anymore. Or is it just because you were waiting for me?

You told me once, that if I was single you'd be going after me.
Well. I'm single. Come after me.

Is it petty and shallow and stupid that I want you to chase after me? That I want you to want me so bad that your heart hurts when I'm gone?
I guess not, if I want to feel the same way about you. I think I could, I have that capacity to feel that way about you because you're so much like me. You basically are me. And the person who's perfect for me, I've always thought, is someone who is so much like me that there can't possibly be any way that they can't understand me. And I've always felt like you understand me so well. You always know just what I'm saying. And for some reason, that's really important to me.

I had this dream, that I think you were in. But the face of the boy in my dream shifted so many times that it could have been you, or it could have been someone else. But I want to believe that it was you, at least for some of it. And it was the best dream I've had in a long time, but I can't remember it. All I know is that in that dream, the boy wanted me just as much, if not more, than I wanted him. And I loved him with all my heart, and with all that I am. So much that my heart hurt when he was gone. So much that my heart hurt when I woke up. I want that. Again. Even though you're not the same person as before.

I want there to be an us. I want there to be a you and I, a forever after, a love so deep and unconditional that I'd never look twice at anyone else. But I'm a shallow creature, I like beauty too much for my own good. And I know it. But I just need to look at the inner beauty. Yours is much, almost exactly, like mine, which makes it easy to spot. And I know how brightly it shines, because I've seen it.

You don't know all this yet, maybe you never will. You don't know how badly I want to be loved so deeply that the whole world can see it without you ever saying a word. I'm not in love with you (yet) because that's just not possible. But I want it to happen so badly that my heart cries out to be loved, and you're the first one I think of to answer the call.

Short Story!!

"Tell me about Dad, Mum."
She smiled at Jordan, and nodded. "Alright sweetie.
Your father and I first met on vacation. We were in a bar in Barcelona. He was 18, I had just turned 19. Him and his friend saw me and turned around to talk to us. I couldn't get over his british accent at that point. He was one of the first english-speaking people I'd run into for a while, and it was refreshing being able to talk to him."
"So he came to you?" Jordan asked.
She nodded. "Yes. And he just asked me what my name was. I gave it to him, and asked for his. Carlos, he said. He shook my hand too. He introduced your uncle Guy, even though you know he's not really your uncle. Just your father's best friend. We talked, we drank a bit, and finally, he left. I never thought I'd hear from your father, or see him ever again. He was from another country, and I figured that meeting him was just a random encounter. But I guess I had as much of an effect on him as he had on me."
"What happened next?"
She smiled at her inquisitive son. "Well, I didn't hear from him for another two weeks or so. He finally managed to find me on Facebook."
"Facebook?"
"It was a social networking site we had back in the day. When I was that age."
"Oh. Keep going!"
"Anyways. Carlos managed to find me on Facebook. He messaged me and asked if he could come visit me. I was wary at first, not knowing if he was playing me or what. But he stayed in a hotel in Madison and was there for a week over the summer. We spent that entire week in each other's company. I introduced him to my friends and we spent a night together in his hotel room. And no, nothing happened.
It was then that I realized something about him. He was different from all the other guys I'd ever had feelings for. He was... more I guess you could say. We decided before he left that we would be exclusive. And we were. I never once thought about cheating on your father. Never. And he never looked at another woman. We spent the next four months apart, until he came to visit again over winter break. This time I introduced him to your Granmama and Granpapa. They didn't like him at first actually. But he grew on them. Personally, I think it was the accent."
"Mama and Papa didn't like him? Really?"
"Really. But when he went back to Cambridge, I missed him terribly. I had to wait until the summer to see him. This time, I went to him. I met his parents, and they didn't like me at all. But I never grew on them. They never did like me, and Carlos was so mad at them for it. He decided to become an exchange student in Madison for the next year to get away from England. He was getting sick of not being able to see me.
So he did. He studied for a year in Madison while I was in Whitewater. Either he came down or I went up every weekend to see each other. At the end of that school year, we'd celebrated our 2nd year of being together. He'd already told me he loved me, and I had told him the same. He had grown used to being close to me, so he opted to stay as an exchange student for another year in Madison. We decided that after we graduated, we would live together. And finally, when that day came, we graduated and bought an apartment in downtown Madison. I started going to school in Madison for grad school and your father found work with a corporate company doing financial work. Of course, he wasn't making much, but we were getting by. He took me out one night in May, on our 4th year anniversary actually, to a nice restaurant downtown. He proposed that night by dropping the ring in my glass of wine. I obviously said yes, and we got married a year later on our 5th year anniversary. I finished school and found work with a publishing company in Chicago, and your father transferred jobs so we could still be together. We bought a little house in the suburbs, and that's when we had you, Jordan."
"Mum, how long were you married when you had me?"
"We'd been married almost 4 years when you were born. But your birth also brought complications. It was then that we decided we needed to visit England again. Your father hadn't seen his parents since he'd come to the States about 10 years before. He told me his parents wouldn't be happy that he'd married me, and when I asked why, he avoided my questions.
But he was right. When I showed up on Carlos' arm, you in my other, his parents were furious. I left Carlos at his parent's that night. That was probably the biggest mistake I've ever made."
"Why?"
"Because that's the night your father disappeared."
"No way! He went missing in England?"
She nodded. "I went to their house in the morning, and his parents told me he'd gone out only an hour earlier, and that he wouldn't be back for a while. So I went around the city with you, hoping that maybe he'd be back in the hotel by the time I got back. He wasn't. I waited there in Cambridge for another two days for your father and he never returned. His parents didn't seem too worried, but I was distraught. I had to go back without him. And we've been here ever since. That was 6 years ago. You were only 1 at that time."
Silence filled the room. Jordan slowly looked up at his mother. "Do you miss him?" He asked in a tiny voice.
He watched as his mother's eyes filled with tears. "More than you could ever know. More than I can explain."
"I miss him too Mum."
She hugged her little son close, and kissed his forehead. "Alright. Off to bed with you darling."
"Aw, but Mum!"
"Time for bed!!!" She picked him up and carried him under her arm like a piece of luggage, smiling up the stairs as his giggles filled the house.
After he was tucked in, she made her way back down the stairs of the same home she and Carlos had bought only 7 years before. She'd never moved, holding on to the hope that one day Carlos would return, and if he did, she'd be waiting for him in the same home that they had made together. She began thinking of the story she'd just told her son only minutes before, and realized something she'd never realized before. Why hadn't Carlos' parents been more worried? Had they known where he was? She wondered if they knew where he was now. The burning loneliness that had been burning in her stomach turned to anger. She needed to know the truth. And now.
She picked up the phone and dialed the number to Carlos' parent's home in Cambridge.
"'Ello?"
"Betty? Is that you?" She asked.
"Oh no. Not you." Betty said over the receiver.
"What a welcome. I need some answers."
"What? I'm not giving you any money."
"I don't need money, Betty. I need to know about Carlos. What happened that night? When he disappeared?"
"He disappeared."
"Where did he go? Where is he now?"
"None of your business. He obviously didn't come back, didn't he?"
"No. I have a sneaking suspicion it's because of you."
"Because of me! Why you little..." Something cut Betty off in the background. She heard someone else speaking.... And the voice sounded very familiar.
"Who are you talking to, Mum?" Said a voice on the other end.
"Oh, no one." Betty replied.
Sudden recognition popped into her mind. She shouted over the phone. "Carlos! Carlos! Carlos, It's me!!!! Please Carlos..." She began to sob.
There was a commotion on the other end, a bit of yelling, and finally she heard his voice. "Kaline? Is that you?"
"Oh Carlos...." Kaline sobbed.
"MOTHER!" Carlos yelled on the other end. "What is this?! You told me Kaline left me!"
"Well she did!"
"Only because you told me Carlos went missing!" Kaline yelled from the other end.
"MISSING!?" Carlos shouted back. "MISSING?! Mother locked me in my room!"
"I did no such thing!" Betty shouted.
"GET OUT!" Carlos screamed. "OUT! NOW!"
Kaline sobbed on the other end.
"Baby, baby please. It's alright. I'm coming home as soon as I can."
"Carlos.... Why didn't you come back?"
"Because mother told me you told her you didn't want me."
"And you believed her?"
"She gave me no choice."
"Carlos.... Darling there's always a choice. When are you coming home?"
"As soon as I can. I've missed you so much Kaline. So much."
"I've missed you too Carlos."
"And Jordan? How's my boy?"
"Sleeping, at the moment. I won't tell him the good news until tomorrow."
"I should go, sweetheart. I need to leave as soon as I can."
"Come back soon, darling."
"You know I can't stay away for long."

I actually don't know what this is.

My new friend, who I'd only met about 2 minutes before, tapped me on the shoulder with a smile. She told me in a bright tone,
"Hey, Danny thinks you're hot."
I looked at her, confusion written all over my face. I was standing in a group of about 14 American students in the streets of Oviedo, Spain in the bar district. Drink in hand, she forced me around her to point at a blushing, dark haired boy standing four people away.
"That's Danny." She said.
I smiled at him, and turned away quickly, feeling very embarrassed. Danny was gorgeous, with tanned skin, a beautiful smile and great fashion sense. I didn't say a word to him because I was too afraid that I would scare him away. Instead, I awkwardly sipped my vokda limon and turned around to my brother and Leonel who were chatting away about something. Leonel noticed me turn around and asked me drunkenly,
"Am I speaking English?"
I nodded and laughed and assured him that yes, he was indeed speaking English or I wouldn't understand him. I shyly turned my head around to peek at Danny again and caught him smiling at one of the other american guys. He looked over at me right at the same time, and his smile got bigger. I felt a blush creeping onto my cheeks so I timidly smiled back and turned around so he wouldn't see the redness in my cheeks.
Someone from the group announced that now was the time to get our butts into one of the Discotecas and get our free shots. I moved along with everyone else, not really noticing where I was going or who I was walking with. Leonel was holding onto my shoulder, supporting himself and I made sure he didn't trip on the uneven cobblestone street. After a couple of staggering steps, another arm came around on the other side of Leonel and helped me to hold him up. I looked over and immediately looked down when I noticed Danny holding up Leonel's other arm. Danny looked at me and smiled.
"You know, he has no tolerance. He just started drinking three weeks ago."
I raised my eyebrows, shocked. "Really?" I asked.
Danny nodded. "He's a youngin', he's only 18."
"Oh my god!" I exclaimed. "I'm not the youngest one here!"
"How old are you?"
"19." I smiled. "And you?"
Danny laughed. "I don't know if I should disclose that."
"So you're old?" I asked, laughing.
"We'll go with that." He agreed with a chuckle.
Leonel stumbled at that moment, and we both had to stop him from completely falling over. The rest of the short 3 minute walk was consumed by concentrating on Leonel and making sure he didn't kill himself. When we arrived at the discoteca, it was pretty much deserted. But it was small, so we filled the place up when we walked in.
"GUYS!" Someone yelled over the roaring dance music inside the club. "Come get the free shots!!"
My brother motioned to me from the bar, and pointed to one of the shots. I nodded, and made my way over, leaving Leonel on the floor. He'd gotten steadier since coming inside the club.
After taking the shot, I made my way out onto the tiny dance floor. I talked with some of the other students, and finally ended up by Danny.
"You know," I started, nearly having to shout over the pounding bass. "We never actually got formally introduced. I'm Tia." I held out my hand.
"Danny." He took my offered hand and shook it.
I smiled, and we both proceeded to get knocked over by some of the drunker students dancing in the cramped space. A few minutes later, I pulled out my camera and asked my brother to take a picture of Danny and I. After the picture, the group started moving out towards the door, obviously wanting to move on to another discoteca. Danny and I walked down the street together again, this time not really needing to hold Leonel up. The next club was only a few shops over, and was nearly as deserted as the first one. But, like with the last one, our group filled up the dance floor immediately.
I danced with Danny a little, and we talked about our futures and things like that. In that conversation, I managed to get his age out of him. He told me he was 23, and I was shocked. He was only a little taller than me and completely clean shaven. He told me to feel his jaw, proving his point that he couldn't grow facial hair. We talked for almost an hour on the dance floor, and finally, when everyone started to leave, we followed suit, walking side by side.
Everyone began heading back towards a main road where they could hail a taxi to take them back to the residencia where the students had been living for the last 5 weeks. Only my brother, Danny, Leonel, and a few other students and I walked back the way we had come. Since I was the only one staying in a hotel close to where we were at, I decided against getting a taxi. My brother was heading back with me, but I didn't want the night to end. I knew I'd probably never see Danny again after this night. But he had told me that he was going to Barcelona for the next 5 days, the same time that I would be there. I had a hope in my heart that I'd see him again there.
We came to an intersection and I started to go one way while everyone else headed for the taxis. I didn't want to say goodbye, but I knew I had to. I told Danny that we had to go out in Barcelona, and he agreed, telling me to have my brother contact him once we were there.
And I watched him walk away, down around the corner and out of my sight. I sighed, and felt a bit of longing creep up into my heart. I sincerely hoped that I would see him again, although a voice in the back of my mind told me that it most likely wouldn't happen.
I kept my hopes up until the second to last night we were in Barcelona. We'd met up with some of the students there too, and no one had been able to get a hold of Danny since the first night. Since I knew I wouldn't be going out my last night, I was holding on to one last hope that Danny would show up for the last night we were going out. But the time came to meet our friends, and no Danny. No one had heard from him, so we decided to just let it go. And with that, I knew my last chance of ever seeing him again was out the window. After all, he was almost done with school and obviously wasn't all that interested since he never contacted any of us to go out, knowing that I would be there too.
But there was still a lingering feeling in the back of my mind, a wish so to speak. That some kind of miracle would happen and that I would get to see him again. I listened to that wish for the longest time, and I'm still holding onto it.

I love Barcelona.

So I'm sorry I'm not putting pics up right now because it's late and I should sleep, but I just wanted to let you all know that Barcelona, Spain is the most beautiful and amazing city on the face of the planet. Someday.... I will learn Spanish and I will live here. It's beautiful. SO. BEAUTIFUL.

(oh maybe another reason I like it so much is because I can drink over here.... and I'm only 19. TEE HEE)

Si, Si! Muy Bien Gracias!

More Peekturs of ESPANGE!!!

There was a whole row of these weird checkered buildings....

and here's the row of those weird buildings....

Close to downtown!

More of those weird checkered buildings.

Idk what it is.... but it's MAXIBON!

Downtown!

More Downtown!

My mom liked this building.

McDonald's sign.

It's the Apple Wine/Cider stuff I told you about!

And this was the restaurant we had it at!

Gascona Street!

It says "Gascona"

Gorgeous church downtown.

They have the neatest architecture here.

O, hai pretty fountains!

Coke is super expensive!! But look at the bottles!

My dad, being a dork as usual.

DERP!

My mom was like, Okay Tia seriously stop taking pictures of me.

The restaurant we had dinner at the second night.

I just missed him pouring the cider... :(