Meep.

I say meep a lot.

and I realize now I'm a masochist.

Let's Start a Union, Calling Every Human

I don't know why I do this to myself. I fall so hard so fast, and I expect them to feel the same way. Our relationship isn't even that, it's just us having a spark and that's it. But I take that spark so far, interpreting it as something so much stronger, since I hardly ever feel this strong of an attraction towards someone in such a short period of time.

Oh sure, I know he feels some attraction to me too, since he told me so. But I know he's not dreaming of the future, of what could be, of a future that included each other in every waking moment.

I dreamed last night of that. I dreamed of being married outside on a beautiful day in late August, the time in between our favorite seasons, summer and fall. The flowers all around the courtyard were in full bloom, and the late summer breeze drifted gently through the trees. People sat in white chairs, looking anxiously towards the long white carpet set out leading from the back of the clearing to the forefront of the space where a man stood. He was dressed smartly in black and white, waiting with a somber expression on his face while his hands were clasped tightly in front of his body. He was nervous, but so joyful. He was marrying the girl of his dreams.

Then, Pachabel's Cannon began to play softly, the sweet notes drifting through the trees with the gentle breeze. The crowd turned in anticipation towards the back of the courtyard, and the groom lifted his eyes, waiting to see her walk down the aisle towards him. And there she was. Dressed in all white with her arm around her father's, looking more beautiful than he'd ever seen her look before. A smile spread across both their faces at the same time, forgetting about everything else but each other. Tears filled her father's eyes as he noticed the degree of love and adoration emulating from his daughter and her soul mate standing just steps away now.

Father and daughter reached the spot where the groom stood, and her father handed the groom his daughter's hand slowly. He took it gingerly, sweetly, and they turned to face the altar, ready to commit themselves to one another for the rest of their lives. No one moved or spoke for a moment, soaking in the feeling of pure happiness that seemed to ring through the air like a sweet note sung by a child. Vows were taken, rings were exchanged, and then, the moment they'd been waiting for their entire lives, they became bonded by more than just love. Their kiss was simple and sweet, but behind their lips rested promises of eternity, faith, trustworthiness, and commitment that never would be broken.

The kiss brought memories of the day they met. They'd been introduced by a mutual friend, and things had taken off then. They saw each other for a solid day, and the feelings intensified. But she went to school in another state, and they savored the memories of that one night they spent together until they could see each other again. After that night though, they had their ups and downs. Mostly starting out with downs, but their commitment to each other only grew stronger after that first initial night together. She was brought back to the darker days after this memory, the days when she thought he didn't like her at all. The days she spent lonely, unwilling to see any one else, unwilling to smile for longer than a couple seconds. But then she remembered the happiest days of her life. The days he came to visit her, the days and nights they spent together during breaks, the summers spent in each other's arms. She remembered the day he asked her to be his girlfriend, and the night he asked her to be his wife. But no memory would remain in her memory as solidly as their first night together. The night she knew he was the one. People told her you can't possibly know he's the one after one day, but she knew. She'd always believed in love at first sight, and this only made her belief stronger. The first time she laid eyes on him, she knew he was more than just a pretty face. He was her superman, come to save her from the depths of loneliness she'd been trapped in for so long. Even though at first he was reluctant to try because he doubted his own abilities, he ended up realizing that he was strong enough, that he could save her.

He remembered the confusion he'd felt after meeting her. He'd just come out of a long-term relationship with a girl he thought he'd spend the rest of his life with, and he didn't want to deal with the feelings again. His heart was still broken, and he didn't understand the feelings he felt around her. She made him even more shy than he'd been already, she made him nervous, scared to do something wrong. He didn't know she felt the same way. But when she told him she liked him after only a few days, he got scared, not realizing that the reason for his fear was that he felt the same way, but he didn't want to accept it. Not yet. His heart was still healing. He didn't realize that she was the antidote, the bandaid he needed to heal the hole in his heart that he'd been nursing. She'd wanted to heal it, and he wouldn't let her for so long. But when he tried to cure himself with other girls, he realized they just weren't the same. He was always comparing them to her, always thinking about her. It wasn't until then he realized there was no stopping it. She was what he wanted, and he finally accepted that. When he did, the pain went away. His heart has began to heal, and he realized she really was just what he needed.

And now, they were joined together for the rest of their lives. And they knew they'd never want anyone else as long as they lived.

Yin and Yang

Sometimes amazingness can come at the strangest times... Like when you show up and someone's house with one intention and end up not doing that at all. But sometimes  you end up finding out something about yourself that you didn't think anyone could love. My eyes, my forwardness. How could anyone like that? Well.... He does. Why? I have no idea.

He said we're like Yin and Yang. We complete each other. He's the quiet calm after my crazy storm. I'm the sun to his moon. And I'm not just coming up with this now. We've gone over this together, and I know he feels the same way. Which just blows me away. I've never had a guy just straight out tell me my eyes were pretty. I don't have cool blue eyes or stormy grey or piercing green. I have flat, brown eyes, but apparently he loves them. He says they look like chocolate.... Chocolate. How sweet.

There's so much more I'd love to say, but some things about that night, I want to keep to myself. Some things I want to remember only for myself, because I want to be the only one to cherish them.

I'm Harry Potter, Harry Harry Potter!

Snape, snape, severus snape
DUMBLEDORE!!!!
ron WEASley, ron WEASley
harry potter, harry potter, harry potter

did you know there was a real harry potter? yeah. He was a british soldier who died in 1939. Since the enormous popularity of J.K Rowling's novels, tourists have begun flocking to his grave. He is buried in the Israeli town of Ramle. He died at the supposed age of 19, although he was really 18 because he lied about his age so he could enlist. He was born near Birmingham, England.

I have no idea why that fascinates me so dang much, but it does!! I like weird things.....

Writer's Block

Indeed, I am suffering from writer's block. Or maybe it's just a case of having a lack of inspiration. Either way, I'm sucking at writing at the moment. So I'm going to try something out. I was told to do when I'm in a situation like this: just write something short, even if it has nothing to do with what i've been writing.
Honestly, I'm starting to have trouble with the West Saga... Admittedly, I haven't really made a plan as to where this story is going to go, and I feel like I need to make one soon before I let this one go like all the others. After all, this one isn't terrible. So.... I'm going to just write. (Note: I'm actually going to close my eyes and just visualize what I'm seeing and I'm not going to edit any of it. So... sorry if it sucks or if you cant really read it.)

Visualiziation.... its hard to keep my eyes closed..... not with all that's going on around me.. i seriously want to just be in wisconsin at the moment. im so uninsipired that it's starting to depress me... emotionally. i see a forest, a green one with light shining through the treetops.... everything is bathed in greenish yellow light, and it's warm. i see rabbits, and deer, almost like a real-life snow white setting... but wait! there's hobbits... or maybe no... elves. not the santa's workshop kind, but the tall, willowy, intelligent. graceful, ancient kind. they're a beautiful race. they all carry long staves, and are dressed in all green, their clothes made out of what looks to be giant leaves.... theres an aura around them that speaks gently to me, soothing me, telling me they mean no harm to me. i cant help but sinnk into the warmth that is emminating from them, like sunshine to plants. so i go to them, not realizing there is music in the background... it's almost like a gregorian chant, so soft and haunting, yet, so beautiful. i run with them, somehow keeping up with their graceful speed that reminds me of water flowing. their movements are fluid, never jerky, and if i could, i would stand in awe of them, watching them run for miles and miles, never getting bored.


ooohh i wanna keep going now! i'll make something of this.

Goodbye, Goodbye

This is more for me than anyone else. ^_^
Capo 5th fret, G-D-Em-C (verses & chorus) D-C-G-Em (bridge)

How long did I stand here and take your abuse?
While all along I was just being used.
Thrown away, beaten down, left alone, no solid ground
beneath these tired feet of mine.

Too many times I fell for your lies
and believed in you with starry eyes
No one else believed in you or knew you like I thought I knew
but I was so wrong.

So take this song as a gift from me
one that says farewell.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
I'm leaving you today.
goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
You'll have to live with out me.
This is my, goodbye song.
so goodbye goodbye goodbye
I don't need you anymore.
Goodbye.

I never lived my life for me, I've been living for you
just for your approval, just to make you stay with me
Torn down, spun around, left broken hearted, without a sound
from these tired lips of mine.

So take this song as a gift from me

one that says farewell.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

I'm leaving you today.

goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You'll have to live with out me.

This is my, goodbye song.

so goodbye goodbye goodbye

I don't need you anymore.

Goodbye.

Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter

What has become of me?? I'm completely obsessed with harry potter. I had a dream about flying golf carts and saving my mother from the clutches of Voldemort and having a wand and shouting "EXPECTO PATRONUM" at basically everyone even though it's meant for dementors, who, oddly enough, never did make a cameo in my extremely odd dream. Hell, I think I was a BOY in my frickin dream. And honestly, I have no idea where the flying golf cart thing came from.
There was this old man who came to my house which was in the middle of nowhere in a really deep valley. He was like we have to take you to school so you can learn magic. and I was like !!!!!!!!!!!!! NO WAY! IM A WIZARD!?!? He just nodded and made me get in his golf cart then we flew away. I dont really remember the next part, all i remember is coming home and realizing my mother was gone because she apparently was a horcrux that Voldemort wanted.... See in my dream Voldemort wanted to destroy the horcruxes (yes i know makes no sense at all.) and since my mother was one, he wanted to destroy her.... So eventually in the end i saved her and vanquished Voldemort with a particularly powerful patronus charm because apparently Voldemort was a dementor too or something...... It was such a skrewy dream, but I enjoyed it because it was like Harry Potter.

Am I completely nuts? Yes. I think in a british accent now. Am I obsessed? Maybe just a bit. But that's alright because well.... I like being completely nuts.

So to all you Potter-Haters out there.....

EXPECTO PATRONUM!!! (aka skrew you betches.)

The Forgotten One.

So yes, I am forgetful. And I forgot a very influential person on my original list.

Bimpe Olaniyan- This woman is so amazing. She's always been that guiding light in my harder times. She's got the mind of a 642 year-old woman who's been around the world and to the stars and back a few hundred times. She's got some worldly obsessions though, such as Harry Potter, which only makes her more human to me. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I'd mistake her for a goddess. To me, and compared to me, she knows everything. Her knowledge astounds me and makes me appreciate education, and the appreciation for things that are often under appreciated in every day life. Like a cherry tree that has fruit that's not quite ready to pick, and the blossoms on a random bush at school, or the rain. So I thank her for just simply knowing.

Do You Trust Yourself?

I'm going to be honest right now. Im struggling with self-pity and shallowness. (is that even a word?) So what? He supposedly changed my life. But I'm overlooking the people who have changed my life even more.

Mark Beyer- He's at the top of my list for being there. For being my brother when my REAL brother couldn't. He looks out for me, makes sure I'm safe, tells me, "Tia. You're being stupid." He knows me. He's psychic. And not to mention, he knows what's best for me. He doesn't tell me what I want to hear, he tells me what I NEED to hear, even if I don't want to hear it. He's the best friend I could ever ask for. He's first because he's the one who made me realize what I need to appreciate. It's not boys, it's not drinking, it's not sex, it's not superficial shit. It's the people, the things, the ideas, that will shape me and form me into the person I'm meant to be. No other 18 year old boy could possibly make me realize that. And he did.

Megan Trehey- She's here because she's my lover, my twin, my soul. She's the one who tells me what I want to hear, but knows when she needs to tell me what I need to hear. She's the sister I never had from my second family. She knows all my secrets, all my gripes and grievances. She tells me, "Tia just listen to me and you'll get it." We share a like-mindedness about most things, and life doesn't get any better than that. Our lives have become so intertwined that I don't think we'll ever become less close than we are now. She's changed me into who I am (partially) today. I'll never lose her. I couldn't continue living without her, she's like my breath, my life, my air. Creepy sounding, I know. But it's true.

Anna Sweeney- My best friend. My sister. There's nothing she wouldn't do for me, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. Our relationship is basically impossible to describe. We're two halves of a whole, she's the expecto to my patronum (sorry for the HP reference, I couldn't help myself), the sanity to my insanity, the cheese to my macaroni. If she was a boy.... I'll just leave it at that.

Brittany Bavery- This girl makes me think. She's so beautiful, and so wonderful, and so talented, but she doesn't see it. She tells me everything that's wonderful about me all the time, yet she can't see that she's all those things and more. Sure, she's been pissed at me, and vice versa, but that's all a part of the ride. There's so much we know about each other, and so much we have in common. Dancers stick together like glue, no, like SUPERglue. And trust me, no amount of hot scalding water is going to break us apart.

Ben Sundstrom- I've known him for... a little over a month. But man this kid knows his shit. He's like me, in a way, and completely amazing at that. We've actually only met in person twice, but those times have been the greatest ever. I've vented to him, and he's taken it like a man, and given me some of the best advice I've heard next to anything that comes out of Mark's mouth.

Jessie Dowding- My REAL brother. Of course he'd be on here, considering the fact he's family. I've never realized how lucky I am to have him as an older brother. He's perfect for the job. He's protective but not to the point of smothering me. He knows how to be my best friend at times, and how to keep me in line at others. God himself designed the perfect brother for me, the one person in my life who I can tell absolutely EVERYTHING to with no fear of being shunned or laughed at or angering. He may think I'm stupid and irresponsible at times, and he may annoy the shit out of me on occasion, but that's what we do. We poke and prod at each other's buttons, but we never cross the line. We need each other too much to do that.

Paul & Cindy Dowding- I'm going to end my list with my parents. If anybody makes a list like this, their parents MUST be on here. Why? Well duh. You wouldn't exist without them. You wouldn't know how to be human without them. Your mind has developed the way it has because of how they raised you, how they nourished you, how they loved you. And I've developed into the greatest person I can be because they loved me unconditionally, irrevocably, and eternally. They made me into an active member of society, and they made me into a loving person, because of their love for me. I don't respect anyone more than I respect them. I don't honor anyone higher than them (except God, but I'm talking about people here), and I will never love anyone more than them. I can love someone so much, but it will never equal the amount of love I have for the mother and father who raised me like a child should be raised.


So to each person on this list-
I love you. and not like the flimsy "Love ya!" you say to your friends before you part ways. I love you actually more means like I need you. I can't live without you. You complete me. See a person can't be a person without others. One single person is not a person. They are only part of the puzzle. And none of these people would be quite whole without me. And I realize that now, and I accept it. I love being a part of their lives, a part of their being. It makes me feel loved and wanted, and whole.

p.s. the illusive "Him" was not on this list.

Lets Tango!

I was speechless, lost for words. He stripped down to his boxers and a grey t-shirt, and I couldn't comprehend the beauty of what I was seeing. He was here, with me, and he was just about the best thing to ever happen to me in a long time. He was sexy, charming, brilliant. I just couldn't get enough.

I turned over, my right ear pressing itself into the small pillow. I waited patiently for him to get under the pink blanket we were sharing and wrap his arm around me. He finally did, and I felt at peace. This was heaven right here. His strong chest pressed against my back, and his legs curved to fit behind mine, like two puzzle pieces being put together. His chin rested on my shoulder blade, and when he sighed in content, his warm breath blew my hair around. It smelled like spearmint and a hint of vodka left over from the night we'd just had. His hand moved under my t-shirt to rub my bare stomach. I turned to him, and raised an eyebrow. He quietly giggled, and told me in a hushed whisper that his favorite part of a female body was the stomach. I raised one side of my mouth in a smile, and turned back to facing the wall, closing my eyes and letting him draw circles on my abdomen. I waited for a few minutes, and when his hand stopped, I slowly lifted my hand and put it on top of his, letting him intertwine our fingers. We'd had plenty of hand-holding that night already, ever since about three, when I'd found out he was staying. But this was different, more sensual. His thumb rubbed the side of my index finger, and he moved our hands closer to my right side before tucking them under the side of my body. Having his grip be more firm on me now, he pulled himself closer, seeming to not want any part of us to NOT be touching. I welcomed the gesture.

Ten still minutes later, he moved his hand out from underneath me and sat up. I turned over, confused about the movement and saw him taking off his shirt. His body was like nothing I'd ever dreamed about. He was perfectly sculpted with abs of steel and strong-looking broad shoulders. I was stunned, and I found myself not able to breathe. Not wanting to turn my back on this gloriousness, I turned myself over so I was facing him. We still hadn't kissed, and I wanted that to change. He laid back down and put one arm over my side so it rested on my back, and the other arm went under his head. His eyes were open, staring into mine. Even though it was dark, I knew that I was staring right back into the most beautiful green eyes I'd ever seen in my life. They were a pale, pastel green with flecks of brown and blue. I'd never seen eyes so beautiful in my life. My hand rested on his bare chest, and I could feel his heart beating nearly as fast as mine under his hot skin. I told him his heart was racing and he asked if mine was too. I told him of course it was. His thin lips curled into a smile, and he started to lean forward. Both of our eyes closed simultaneously, and when our lips met, I knew this night had just shot to the top of the list of the best nights ever.