I know I've probably lost all of my readers, but really at this point I don't particularly care. I need a place of my own to write down all my thoughts and get myself straight. I almost feel like I'm catching up with an old friend I haven't talked to since May right now. Get ready.
First off: Disaffiliation.
Was the best choice I ever made. I loved it. I made new friends, got to know the other sororities, their values, their members, and learned so much about myself that I don't think I could have continued life not having done this. It was indeed very difficult to give up my letters, to not be a part of my sorority and it's going-ons for three/four weeks. It was indeed one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was one of the most rewarding. I met some amazing women, most of whom are NOT in my sorority. I enjoy knowing people from other sororities and being one of those people with good cross-campus relationships.
It was certainly a lot of work, and I did miss out on a lot of other opportunities. But the thing is, I gained so much experience and learned so much about my world, myself, and the rest of my greek community. It was, and always will be, one of the best things I have done throughout college.
Secondly: Break ups.
So, sadly, I had to break things off with Aaron, my ex boyfriend now. We broke things off because... well, we weren't suited well for each other. It sucks, yes. My heart was broken, yes. But it was a learning experience. I know that he will always be there for me, and I, for him. He's still my best friend, he's just not suited to be my partner. Breaking up sucks balls. It sucks really big balls. But then again, you have to do things you don't want to do sometimes. My biggest fear about breaking up with him was the fear of losing him forever. But we decided that we couldn't live without one another, but we couldn't be lovers anymore. It made the breakup easier than it could have been any other way.
Sure, it sucks, not having that constant stream of attention and love. But in a way, it showed me so many things I never thought possible. It showed me I have the capacity to love, and to love for a long time. I have the ability to call someone mine for a long period of time. I no longer have a fear of committing myself to making a relationship I truly care about work. It showed me I'm a stronger person than I give myself credit for.
Finally: New loves.
I'm not mentioning anyone by name because I like the air of secrecy. And it's just more fun that way. But I have a new obsession. He's literally.... well. Perfect. In every way. I wish I could gush more about how he's in love with me too but sadly that doesn't seem to be the way the world works for me anymore. Trust me. It fucking sucks.
I haven't felt this strongly attracted to anyone in a long time. My problem? I feel shadowed by others, people close to me and people who aren't close to me. I just feel like I'm the last in line for his attention/affection. But the people before me aren't exactly the people I would be telling him to hang out with anyways. I'm a bit heart broken, considering he told me that he sees me as no more than a friend, a really good one, but still a friend. And that breaks my heart. I knew instantly that he was one of those rare people that you find in life that is so perfect for you, that they can't ever be with you. But I had hope. I had hope that maybe he'd ignore the voices in his head telling him that I was bad news. But he's too smart, too intelligent, too self-aware to not hear them. And thus, I have ruined my chances with him. All I can hope for now is that he doesn't hate me too much and that he still does actually want to be friends.
I just want the world to start working in the way my head has envisioned. Where the only thing I really need to worry about is balancing my time, doing homework, and getting a job after college. But as they say; "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."
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