Should I Be Posting Anonymously About People Too?

I'll start this off with you, dearie. You are the closest thing I've got to a sister. We drifted a bit in high school, and I realize now that I wish we hadn't. But then college came around... and the strangest thing happened. People say usually distance makes people grow apart, but not us. Being far away made me yearn for you, not for all those other people I'd been pretending were my bestest friends for so long. It made me realize just how much I really do want you here in my world. Sometimes, yes, there are things that you do that irritate me. But the reason I love you so dearly is because I can look past those, and you look past the things about me that annoy you.

I can't really describe how I feel about you. Don't get me wrong, I love you so much. But I guess really love isn't the best way to describe it. What we have is this crazy deep understanding of one another that I've never achieved with anyone else. It's like our minds are hardwired pretty much the exact same way. Way back when I secretly used to dislike you for reasons that now seem so petty. You always seemed to be striving for attention, or you didn't pay enough attention to me, or some other stupid little thing that made me want to hate you. But I know you so well now, and I know all those things weren't what I thought they were.

I feel like I know you so well, yet at the same time, like I don't know you at all. I just didn't have enough time. We could have been best friends for life if only I'd stayed longer. As it is, we made such a deep connection over the span of four months that it amazes me. I never knew someone could become so precious to me so quickly. At first, our relationship was one of convenience, since you were always willing to be there when I just needed to escape. Then I found myself enjoying your presence and benefiting from the words that came from your mouth. Soon, I became almost.... addicted to having you around. I needed someone like you to counteract the depressive insanity that was threatening to take over my brain completely. I feel like honestly the only reason I survived as long as I did was because of you. So I guess in a way you saved my life. I guess I owe you big time.

I have no idea how we even became friends to tell you the truth. From the moment I saw you, I was drowned in jealousy. You seemed to have everything I wanted : a boyfriend, friends, this aura that radiated cool, a spot on the dance team. I just wanted to be like you and have the supposedly perfect life that you seemed to have. Little did I know that the front you put on for everyone was just a show. A cocoon of lies and falsity that you weaved around yourself so no one could see the true pain and hurt that was lurking beneath the smooth, happy mask you wore. But then all of a sudden you were there, in my life, allowing me to slowly tear down that cocoon and reveal all that you'd been trying to hide for so long. And what I found surprised me, but never once did I feel scared of hearing what you'd been through or what you were going through. Sure, we've fought and bickered and hated each other at times, but that still doesn't erase the fact that we know so much about what goes on behind the masks we wear that even if we wanted to forget, we couldn't.

You always were the voice of reason in my life. But sometimes I wonder about you. You always seem to want to help others, while never asking for help yourself. But then when you pour out what you've been caging up inside to me, I feel.... overwhelmed. Sometimes even a bit afraid. I don't know how to deal with what you tell me sometimes. The things you say are so deep and emotional that my brain often can't comprehend just what you're trying to get across. Usually what I wonder is, why are you telling me? I've never really seen myself as a person to confide your deepest feelings and desires to. I'm more of the kind of person you should turn to when you need someone to tell you what you want to hear. I don't understand your utter trust and confidence in me, it confuses me as to why you would trust someone like me. We're so completely different, yet.... So in sync at times.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel about you. You frustrate me, yet I don't think I could ever hate you. Even if you tried to kill me, I couldn't hate you. I may have only really met you once, but I feel so strongly for you it's not even funny. My feelings for you confuse me. I get frustrated with you because you're slow to respond to me, even though I know why. I'm impatient with this situation, because I can visualize us being what I want. I can see it so clearly in my head, yet it seems completely unattainable in the real world. I always have to hold myself back when I talk to you when really all I want to do is tell you to stop beating around the bush, grow a pair, man up, and take some initiative to please me. I pretend like you're into me, and those people who are around us pretend like you are too, but both my heart and my mind know you're just not at that point yet. My mind is screaming that you're a stubborn pain in the ass, and that I should just give up. But I'm just as stubborn, and I don't think I want to give up without a valiant fight.
When I first saw you, even though the very first glance was fleeting, the look did things to me that I have never felt before. It was something like nervousness combined with the feeling of jumping off a ten story building and seeing the most beautiful thing in the world. I couldn't think for a second, and all I could hear was my heart pounding loudly in my ears. My world was disoriented, turned upside down and inverted. I wasn't expecting you to sweep me off my feet, kiss me and then carry me off into the sunset at that moment, but a small part of my brain nearly cried when it didn't happen.
But you're something else alright. You're so much different than I ever expected, although I have no idea what I was expecting. But there's something about you that just makes me want to make you all mine. Even when there were other girls in the room I was feeling this weird protective jealousy over you, thinking at the others "you stay away, he's MINE." Why I'm so possessive over you I will never know, and I've never really been the ultra jealous type. There's just this thing about you that makes me want you all to myself. You were set up on such a high pedestal by our mutual friends, and you didn't disappoint.
But I can't help but wonder what went on inside your head. Were you as taken with me as I was with you? You can't possibly have felt like I did, nor can you feel like I do now. I don't even now if you're capable. You're certainly not willing, that's for sure. I just wish it could be easy. But you aren't going to make this easy. I'm going to have to work harder than I ever have before just to get you to see me as something other than just another girl. You're more to me than just a guy, but you don't know that. I want to tell you, but you won't let me. I've never felt so hopeless or confused about anyone before. Why do you, of all people, do this to me? I just wish that you would put forth as much effort as I am. It makes me wonder if I really should just listen to my head and let you go. If you're not trying, why should I? But no matter how much I rationalize, I realize that I don't want to give up. Our friends try to console me, reassure me and tell me that you do like me. But I know I'm still just barely in that "friend zone" with you, and that frustrates me. I just want so much more from you but I know I won't be getting it for a long time, if at all. I just wish I could ask you one thing: stop being so damn clueless, and really listen to what I'm saying to you. Maybe then this wouldn't all be in vain.

Best Friends.

i just wanted to let you know that you make me so proud to have you as a best friend. i could never have asked for a greater blessing in my life. one can never know the meaning of true happiness until a great friend shares everything with them. love is something that comes from knowing the person you love will never turn their back on you, will never laugh at you, will never share your secrets, and will never love you less than they do now. they can only love you more. i've begun to realize how much we need each other, how you're like the pillar i lean on, and how i'm like the mortar between the bricks that make you up. living without each other would mean we have no stable foundation to live off of. best friends can be easily found, but can never be replaced.


I wrote this on my best friend Anna Sweeney's facebook wall. this girl means the world to me, and so much more. I love you.

I Can't Do This.

I haven't cried for.... months. But tonight, it all came pouring out. I didn't cry when I left the amazing people I'd made friends with back in Michigan. I didn't cry when I had to leave all my old friends again after seeing them for only one night. I didn't cry when a boy I knew died. I didn't cry when a friend told me he couldn't be friends with me anymore. I didn't cry. For anything.

But, I think tonight was the final breaking point. I was reunited with a best friend, someone I've been able to trust for years, and someone I've loved with all my heart. It felt just like the old days. But when I came home and let myself think, I realized the old days were never coming back. The days of being carefree, not worrying about money, your future, your life. The days of spending hours in the presence of people you LOVE, not with the people who you are forced to be around. The days of music making, joke telling, snuggling, and laughter. They're gone. And that broke my heart more than anything ever has. I don't feel like, "Tia," anymore. The definition that goes along with that name no longer describes the person that I am now. I don't know my own name anymore.

Hell, I'm crying just writing this. Revisiting what I just felt a half hour ago. When your heart breaks, it's like someone's invisible hand reached right into your SOUL and pulled out the very essence of what makes you, you. And in that process, they split your heart in two and tore your world to shreds. All in a matter of a few seconds, leaving you no time to realize why. Then, all the bottled up tears and sorrows came flooding to the surface. I'd been hiding them under lock and key for so long, afraid to let my emotions show anymore around these new strange people. But I couldn't stop myself from crying. The tears flowed freely from my eyes, down my cheeks and dropping onto the floor.

I realized that I can't do this. I can't continue to be alone like this. I tried to make myself a loner, a person who only needs themselves, so as to save my heart from the pain I knew I would feel once I was reunited with my home, my childhood, my old life that I'd been yearning for. But it was all in vain. I didn't know what was in store for me. I felt like I'd been holding up the world before, but I'd had so many people there to help me. But I lost all the love and support when I went away except for a very select few who stuck with me and helped me hold up the world. Now that weight is starting to crash down on my shoulders and causing me to break under it's weight. I can't do this alone. I thought I could, but I can't. And I don't have enough people to help me hold up the world again.

People say when you lose a love, your heart breaks. Usually, they're talking about a person.

But what about your own life? Not literally, but spiritually?

One's heart breaks far worse then. I would know. It's broken right now.

Flood

Window pane, smeared with mother nature's tears.
I can't see out, but I see shapes moving in the distance.
Lights twinkle, winking in and out like they're sending me a secret message.
But what they say I'll never know.

Slowly, slowly the seconds trickle by,
keeping time with the teardrops on the cold glass.
Not even the stars are out tonight, just blackness covering the earth.
The moon is being reborn.

My hand pressed against the glass, trapped inside I am.
The cold penetrates deep into my skin, sending shivers down my spine.
Mother nature speaks to me, tells me to just let it in.
Ignore the thunder, close your eyes when lightning flashes bright
Because after the storm whether day or night,

the sun will shine again.

Find Yourself.

For years I've been guided
by many elder hands.
But now I'm cast into the cold
and left all alone.

Somehow I'm supposed to find my way
somehow I'm supposed to live.
And all I seem to be doing now
is fumbling blindly ahead.

I've become a stranger to myself.
I've become someone I don't know
I've been guided all my life,
and told what to do and where to go
But now I've been left to fend alone
in this brokenhearted cold
I've become a stranger to myself.
I've become somebody I don't know.

I now stumble in the darkness
holding my hands in front of me.
Feeling my way to freedom,
hoping to succeed.

Somehow they say you'll be just fine
somehow I'm going to prevail.
And all I seem to be doing now
is fumbling blindly ahead.

I've become a stranger to myself.

I've become someone I don't know

I've been guided all my life,

and told what to do and where to go

But now I've been left to fend alone

in this brokenhearted cold

I've become a stranger to myself.

I've become somebody I don't know.

And now I can see this newer me,

Is just an improvement of the old.

But as for the path I chose to tread

it's dark and it's cold.

and I've never loved the dark......

I've become a stranger to myself.

I've become someone I don't know

I've been guided all my life,

and told what to do and where to go

But now I've been left to fend alone

in this brokenhearted cold

I've become a stranger to myself.

I've become somebody I don't know.

Why Am I Still Awake?

So I haven't written recently... I've been a bad girl. But it seems like as soon as I got home to my blessed Wisconsin, I never really felt an urge to spend hours upon hours on facebook.... or my computer at all really. The only thing I use it for really anymore is skype and to look up songs to play on guitar.
Since coming home I've noticed a change in myself. Or maybe it was always there, I'm not really sure. But I seem to be more driven. I feel like I need to be busy studying or reading or just doing SOMETHING with my hands. I can't simply sit down and watch T.V. anymore. I played piano for three days straight when I came home. I learned a song that I never would have been able to play before simply because I had this new single-minded determinedness to get it right. I didn't get frustrated as easily, and to my amazement, I learned the song after just a few attempts. I played it constantly for two days. And when I wasn't playing piano, I was playing video games. Sure, I had to sit still, but my hands were moving.

And then came my visit to Whitewater. I felt like I was at home again, being back at school, walking everywhere, sleeping in a room where all my possessions seemed to be stashed, and of course, FREEDOM. But my visit was short-lived, but not pointless. Now, as I sit here in the room I called home for nearly 9 years, I realize, it doesn't feel like "home" anymore. I feel lonely, like my room is too big, and slightly claustrophobic. You don't realize just how much CRAP you have until you're back in the midst of it all after living on the bare minimum for so long. My bed has too many pillows, my floor is too soft. I have too many clothes, and just too many things I don't need, but don't want to throw away. At the same time, I feel too out in the open. I don't have someone sleeping above me, or across the room from me. I have the freedom to spread my crap anywhere I want to. But it feels... wrong now.

I haven't unpacked half of the boxes I brought home. I don't want to become re-attached to this place. After all, it's not my permanent home anymore. It struck me on my last night here before I left for CMU that I would never again sleep in this bed for more than three months at one time. I would never again be in the house year-round. I would never again be totally living here. I would never again "always be around." Each thing I did before I left I noted as my "last." My last shower, my last nap, my last song sung in the "guitar corner" I made for myself. It felt almost like... dying. I didn't realize how much I left behind until I came back and felt like my things had never left. But I felt like I'd been gone not just for a few months, but for YEARS. I felt like so much of the child who used to live there had been bullied out by the more reasonable and mature young adult that was emerging inside of me as the months passed in Michigan. I don't know if I know exactly who I am anymore. I don't know if I ever knew. But now I feel like my own mind is a stranger to me, or at least someone I've known only for a short time. My way of thinking has been altered, my way of doing as well. As some typical cheesy movie line would say "Who are you and what have you done with Tia?" That's exactly what I feel like.

Apparently I give off an "aura" now. People tell me when they haven't seen me since I went away to school that I look more "collegiate," whatever that means. Does it mean I look older? I don't think so. Does it mean I sound older? Maybe. I don't know why. I look at myself in the mirror and see a girl turned into a female in between the stages of teenager and adult. I've watched my face change over the months and I guess I don't realize how I've been altered. But others do. The people who remember my face from before. They notice a change. I have too, but it's one no one else can see. I find that I don't cry as easily as I used to. I find myself being oddly stoic more often than not. Is college turning me cold, stony, emotionless?

People say college "changes" you, but I never knew what they meant. I figured it made you seem either smarter or stupider, depending on what you filled your weekends with. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that it could make me a totally different person. Someone who wants to cry but can't. Someone who seems to now be questioning her life goals, her past actions, and her own beliefs. Why me? I ask. But why I'm asking this, or to whom, I don't know. I used to think of myself as sure of who I was, but disorganized. Now, I think of myself as a stranger to myself, a person fumbling in the darkness, trying to find her way. And I've always been afraid of the dark.

I'm such a loser.

This is what I do when I'm skyping with Anna and trying to help her do math. Obviously, I would fail the test. Do I get kudos for creativity?

Boreddd

Im basically so bored that im sitting here taking stupid pictures of myself. Just chilling in my Middleton Cardinals sweatshirt.... I wanna go home. 8 more days... Then I never have to come back to Michigan again in my life, unless it is by my own choice.
When I was younger, I used to dream about living on my own and living in California, or Arizona, or somewhere warm. Now that I'm anywhere but the place I grew up, I realize I don't want to be any where else but there. I just want Wisconsin and nothing but back in my veins....
8 days....
8 days....
Salvation comes in 8 days.