I Can't Do This.

I haven't cried for.... months. But tonight, it all came pouring out. I didn't cry when I left the amazing people I'd made friends with back in Michigan. I didn't cry when I had to leave all my old friends again after seeing them for only one night. I didn't cry when a boy I knew died. I didn't cry when a friend told me he couldn't be friends with me anymore. I didn't cry. For anything.

But, I think tonight was the final breaking point. I was reunited with a best friend, someone I've been able to trust for years, and someone I've loved with all my heart. It felt just like the old days. But when I came home and let myself think, I realized the old days were never coming back. The days of being carefree, not worrying about money, your future, your life. The days of spending hours in the presence of people you LOVE, not with the people who you are forced to be around. The days of music making, joke telling, snuggling, and laughter. They're gone. And that broke my heart more than anything ever has. I don't feel like, "Tia," anymore. The definition that goes along with that name no longer describes the person that I am now. I don't know my own name anymore.

Hell, I'm crying just writing this. Revisiting what I just felt a half hour ago. When your heart breaks, it's like someone's invisible hand reached right into your SOUL and pulled out the very essence of what makes you, you. And in that process, they split your heart in two and tore your world to shreds. All in a matter of a few seconds, leaving you no time to realize why. Then, all the bottled up tears and sorrows came flooding to the surface. I'd been hiding them under lock and key for so long, afraid to let my emotions show anymore around these new strange people. But I couldn't stop myself from crying. The tears flowed freely from my eyes, down my cheeks and dropping onto the floor.

I realized that I can't do this. I can't continue to be alone like this. I tried to make myself a loner, a person who only needs themselves, so as to save my heart from the pain I knew I would feel once I was reunited with my home, my childhood, my old life that I'd been yearning for. But it was all in vain. I didn't know what was in store for me. I felt like I'd been holding up the world before, but I'd had so many people there to help me. But I lost all the love and support when I went away except for a very select few who stuck with me and helped me hold up the world. Now that weight is starting to crash down on my shoulders and causing me to break under it's weight. I can't do this alone. I thought I could, but I can't. And I don't have enough people to help me hold up the world again.

People say when you lose a love, your heart breaks. Usually, they're talking about a person.

But what about your own life? Not literally, but spiritually?

One's heart breaks far worse then. I would know. It's broken right now.