I Miss You.

I never thought it would hurt this much. Just letting people go.

People here don't know me. They don't accept me. They don't get me. I HAVE friends, just not here. I have a group of wonderful people back home who love me for ME, who love me for every little imperfection and flaw that comes with the package that is me. There are people back there waiting for me to come home because they love me, and they know me, and they ACCEPT me. They understand why I am the way I am. We have no secrets, because there is nothing I have to hide from them.
People say, college is a time for new beginnings. It's the time when you find new friends, and it's a time to reinvent yourself because no one knows your past. Well, that's not a good thing for me. People can't be my friend unless they know my past. I'm willing to tell these people here my past, but they aren't willing to listen.
I don't have any real friends here. I can't talk about boys, feelings or generally anything with these people. All they care about is sex, drinking and anything that has to do with partying. That's not all college is about. I came here for an education because I thought people wouldn't make fun for that. I thought I could get away with not partying, with not drinking, with not doing stupid s*** and still have friends. But I can't. I can't be accepted, I can't be loved unless I get just as s***faced as everyone else here.

I can't handle this anymore. I want to go home, I want to be back in the arms of the people who love me. I want to hug people I know will hug me back. I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to hear my mom's voice, NOT over the phone. I want to feel my dad's scratchy beard on my forehead when he kisses me and tells me i'll always be his little girl, no matter how old I get. I never want to cry myself to sleep again over people hating me for no reason. I never again want to feel like the odd one out, like the thing that doesn't belong. Right now, I'm not like the kid who gets picked last for kickball. I'm more like the kid who has to sit in the bleachers because she knows she'll never get picked so she doesn't even stand in the line to save herself the embarrassment.

I miss those days when all I truly had to do was be myself, and no one laughed, no one made fun of me and no one told me I should go party instead of sitting in my dorm. I miss those days when I was in the middle of things, when I knew everything that was going on, when I was told I love you every day by one person or another. I haven't heard that from someone in person for over two weeks. I'm running out of self esteem and happiness. That's the fuel that helps me carry on. Soon, I'll be out of steam, and I'll be dead or broken down at the side of the road, calling out for someone to help me back up again. But out here, I know no one will answer my call.