How Lucky Am I To Have You

My life.... is fucked up.

So I thought coming back from michigan would make me feel better. I thought living with my best friend would make everything so much more fun. I thought pledging to a sorority would make me new friends.

It's all lies.

I hate it here.

The one good thing I have in my life right now is Aaron. He's basically keeping me alive right now. Because otherwise, I would be 6 feet under due to my own hatred for myself. I'm starting to cry out for help. Literally cry. I need a friend, a confidant, other than my other half. I wish I was more mature, I wish I could help myself, I wish I could just do what I need to get done but I can't. I'm not at the right level of maturity. I thought it was the school that was making me hate life so much. But I realize now, it's not the school, it's me. I'm not ready for this, none of it. I'm not mature enough, or organized enough, or even motivated enough to fulfill my duties as a student. I can't concentrate.
I wish my friends here understood me like Mark did. I miss him. He was probably the one genuine friend I have made since graduating. He was a rock for me. And because of my immaturity and stupidity, I left the best friend I could ever have back in a state I will never visit again. Why do I do this to myself??

But there is one thing that I thank God every day for. Aaron. He had been the one thing keeping me from departing this earth entirely. I care not what anyone else thinks as much as his opinion. My life will never be the same if he left. he's the most important thing to me right now.

Mrow?

I'm gonna come right out and say it: I'm so damn confused right now. I went back and was reading all the posts I made while in Michigan. I was being melodramatic. I miss Michigan... Just a little. I miss how free I felt, how well acquainted I was with campus, how I seemed to know everything that was going on at all times. Hell, I never realized how many people I knew up there.
Oh sure, I know just as many people here, if not more. Sure, I'm more involved. Sure, I've got a boyfriend who is completely and utterly amazing. And sure, I've got the best roommate ever. But somehow, after I left, I only retained the happy memories I have from Michigan. And there's a lot. I want to go back.... Maybe not forever, or even for a semester, just for a week, or even a day. Just to see all the things and people I left behind. I miss them, I miss it. CMU, yeah. I miss you. Wtf.

The whole time I was there, I wanted to come back. Now that I'm back, I want to go there. Why can't I just be happy where I am and accept the fact I'm not going back?? Ever? It's starting to drive me insane because I can't seem to just be HAPPY. I'm in a good, no, WONDERFUL place here. I'm having so much fun, and I love it here at UWW, but it's almost like I want something horrible to happen, just to counteract all this perfection thats going on. I feel.... lost almost. Like everything right now is too perfect. People may strive for perfection, but really.... It's not great. I just want to understand why this is happening to me. Why should I yearn for the most dark and depressing time of my life once more? I'm perfectly content where I am. I love being here.... So why am I so doubtful?

January 22nd, 2011

What a dramatic change since this time two months ago. My general overall feelings about life have turned more towards the happier side of things. I've got my best friend as a roommate, more friends here than I ever had up at central, and the kicker: the best boyfriend EVER. Yes, I said boyfriend.

Life since leaving Michigan has been greatly.... improved. Now, I'm not saying I don't miss anything about Michigan, of course I do. Namely Mark, Ben, and Becca. But life here in my homestate has never been better. Is it because of this crazy placebo effect I'm placing on myself? The placebo being it's 2011 and 11 is my lucky number. Oh, maybe. But there's more to that story too.
Aaron, my wonderful loving boyfriend of... well four days, asked me to be his girlfriend on January 22nd, 2011. Frankly, I wasn't surprised when he asked, but I had a really good feeling about the date. Why? Well, mathematically speaking, 22 is double of 11. There's two people in this relationship, and both are lucky to me. Myself being one 11 and Aaron being the other 11. Combine us together and we make 22, our anniversary. Am I crazy? Yes. But it doesn't really bother him.

But there's more stuff than just having a boyfriend. I mean, even before that whole ordeal happened my life was better. I've got a roommate who I absolutely adore, and have known for 5 years now. My little ball of sunshine, Miss Anna Sweeney. I couldn't have fit in so well here without her guidance and expertise. She's introduced me to a whole new world on campus. I'm already more involved here because of her. I'm planning on pledging to the sorority she and all the friends she's introduced to me to belong to, and I'm playing intramural volleyball with all of them as well. (I suck at volleyball, but it's just the fact I've been included that makes me so elated!) You go girl. :)

And to new friends. Girls, mostly, you are a lifesaver. You've welcomed me in with open arms and joyful laughter, and hell, you didn't even get mad when I spilled root beer on your carpet (I really am sorry about that.) It's so much easier to make friends here, since everyone is just so open about saying "Hey, hows your day?" even if they have no idea who you are. I made this realization a long time ago, but it's only been reinforced: I don't think I ever want to leave Wisconsin. It's in my blood, and it's shaped who I am.

So a big Thank You to all of you. You've made my life so good that I feel like I shouldn't brag. But I'm so damn happy I need to. Share the joy. :)

The One I Wish I Was With.

I feel lame posting this. But for some reason it makes me think of him.
Year Without Rain
(THESE ARE NOT THE LYRICS TO THE ABOVE SONG)

My shirt still smells like you
my heart still beats like it did when your lips met mine
under the light
of the lamps glowing bright.

My thoughts are still with you
my skin still tingles where your hands brushed mine.
in a way
that made me melt.

Because when you're around the world seems right
like everything I'm fighting for is important to you
like it's important to me
Because when you're around I feel complete
like the missing puzzle piece has come back to me
after hiding away for so long.

I may have been jaded
I may have been hurt so many times it still hurts to feel
but not with you
you helped me to heal.

You say things to me
I can't understand why me, I ask, why me?
How did I get you
when I've tried to hard before.

Because when you're around the world seems right

like everything I'm fighting for is important to you

like it's important to me

Because when you're around I feel complete

like the missing puzzle piece has come back to me

after hiding away for so long.

So tell me, tell me,

tell me how this could possibly be.

So hold me, hold me,

until I understand your desire for me.

So whisper, whisper

in my ear everything you see

So kiss me, kiss me,

like you did that night with love in your eyes.

Because when you're around the world seems right

like everything I'm fighting for is important to you

like it's important to me

Because when you're around I feel complete

like the missing puzzle piece has come back to me

after hiding away for so long.

so long, so long.

Best Day Ever.

Im going to rant. But it's a happy rant. Are happy rants called "rants" or are they called something else??? I DONT KNOW!

Today was.... I can't even describe. Completely amazing. Stunning. Fantastic. Beautiful. My shirt still smells like him and my lips still tingle. STILL. It's been over an hour since he kissed me.... Yes, I said he kissed ME. I didn't kiss him. He was perfect today. He was adorable when we were alone, and smooth with my friends. They all approve. So do my parents.

Right before he was going to leave, he just held me, and I felt him breathing into my hair, and I could feel his heartbeat through his shirt. I never wanted to leave. I just wanted to stay there forever. And ever.

All In Vain? I THINK NOT!

This is another one of those infuriating anonymous posts im making about someone. but dont worry. if you're reading it, it's not you. trust me.

So basically it goes like this: I wrote a huge long multi paragraph rant about how I wanted you to just open your eyes and see what I was showing you. Really understand what I was saying to you. Hardly a week later, you become suddenly inspired, and you take my advice, to a whole new level in fact. You went out of your way to see me, did everything I wished in my head that you would do, without me even so much as lifting a finger or opening my mouth. You did it all on your own. To me, that's completely amazing. Mind-blowing, in fact. I've never had someone just up and do what I wanted without me telling them just how to do it. Even if you were nervous (yeah, I could tell. It was cute.)
Everything you did was.... timid, and shy. But it made my heart melt, even at your slightest touch of the hand. The hand that I even got to hold. I never dreamed YOU would be the first one to make a move on me, since I'm usually the one who has to do all the work. But you made it so easy.

I'm trying so hard not to get ahead of myself over you. I'm trying so hard not to be rash like I usually am, and end up ruining the whole thing. Because you're different. There's just... something about you. I can't describe it. But it keeps me coming back to you. Even when I said I would just give up on you for now, you were always there in the back of my mind. Like a soft whisper in my ear.
When my sweatshirt smelled like you.... I never wanted to put it down. The smell reminded me of everything. Your touch, your smile, your nervously adorable laugh, your hands on mine, and your eyes.... Your eyes. Your eyes are what I think of first. It's like you captured the sea in your eyes. So beautiful, yet so clear. I still can't read into you though. You confuse me, still.

I'm left sitting here wondering about the implications of your actions, wondering if you were doing what you did because you felt obligated (given the situation) or if you actually do have genuine feelings for me. I'm left here wondering if you're thinking about me like I think about you. I want to know your thoughts about me.... I want to know what to do. I don't want to overstep my boundaries with you, rather, I want you to come to me. Like my friend said, flirting is like a game of really lazy tag. You ever so gently touch them with your interest, let them know you're there, but don't run away. Rather, you wait  for them to gently tag you back. But at the same time, you can't keep reaching out and putting your hand on them. It makes them shy away from you. And as soon as you pull back, their interest grows again, wondering why you aren't tagging them back.

So I ask this: is this what we're doing? I tagged you first, almost too forcefully. When I finally pulled back, you felt it was time to tag me. So is it my turn again? Do I need to tag you again? Or should I lie in wait, hoping maybe you'll tag me again?

I guess these months of hard work weren't all in vain after all. But I'm wondering how many more months lie ahead of me.

I Feel Like I Should Post in Honor of the New Year

Ah, 2011. You're here at last. So marks the end of the year where so much happened. I graduated, I began college. I learned so much about myself, about what I can do, and what I can't do. Other things happened too, but those are for my ears and my eyes only.
But now I have to wonder what's in store for me in 2011. I have a feeling it's going to be a good year. Why? Well, it's partially my lucky number. I'm not generally too superstitious, but I just like to think that 11 is my lucky number. I'm not overly obsessive about it, but when 11 pops up in random daily things, usually what happens later is good, or so I would say..... lucky. So if my number is in the year, well, that's just setting me up for a good year. Or maybe since I believe it's going to be good, my own mind will work like a placebo and I'll make my own luck. Just simply by believing in my lucky number, I'll make the year "luckier."
I'm not making any new year's resolutions, however, no matter how much I feel like I should. I never stick to them, so what's the point of putting the effort into thinking them up if I'm just going to forget?

So basically here's the point: I've been in a good mood since... well January first really. And normally my good moods wear off. But this one has just been sticking around for a while. It's nice. Really nice. And it's a great way to start off what I'm going to make the best year of my life. :)