Mrow?

I'm gonna come right out and say it: I'm so damn confused right now. I went back and was reading all the posts I made while in Michigan. I was being melodramatic. I miss Michigan... Just a little. I miss how free I felt, how well acquainted I was with campus, how I seemed to know everything that was going on at all times. Hell, I never realized how many people I knew up there.
Oh sure, I know just as many people here, if not more. Sure, I'm more involved. Sure, I've got a boyfriend who is completely and utterly amazing. And sure, I've got the best roommate ever. But somehow, after I left, I only retained the happy memories I have from Michigan. And there's a lot. I want to go back.... Maybe not forever, or even for a semester, just for a week, or even a day. Just to see all the things and people I left behind. I miss them, I miss it. CMU, yeah. I miss you. Wtf.

The whole time I was there, I wanted to come back. Now that I'm back, I want to go there. Why can't I just be happy where I am and accept the fact I'm not going back?? Ever? It's starting to drive me insane because I can't seem to just be HAPPY. I'm in a good, no, WONDERFUL place here. I'm having so much fun, and I love it here at UWW, but it's almost like I want something horrible to happen, just to counteract all this perfection thats going on. I feel.... lost almost. Like everything right now is too perfect. People may strive for perfection, but really.... It's not great. I just want to understand why this is happening to me. Why should I yearn for the most dark and depressing time of my life once more? I'm perfectly content where I am. I love being here.... So why am I so doubtful?

January 22nd, 2011

What a dramatic change since this time two months ago. My general overall feelings about life have turned more towards the happier side of things. I've got my best friend as a roommate, more friends here than I ever had up at central, and the kicker: the best boyfriend EVER. Yes, I said boyfriend.

Life since leaving Michigan has been greatly.... improved. Now, I'm not saying I don't miss anything about Michigan, of course I do. Namely Mark, Ben, and Becca. But life here in my homestate has never been better. Is it because of this crazy placebo effect I'm placing on myself? The placebo being it's 2011 and 11 is my lucky number. Oh, maybe. But there's more to that story too.
Aaron, my wonderful loving boyfriend of... well four days, asked me to be his girlfriend on January 22nd, 2011. Frankly, I wasn't surprised when he asked, but I had a really good feeling about the date. Why? Well, mathematically speaking, 22 is double of 11. There's two people in this relationship, and both are lucky to me. Myself being one 11 and Aaron being the other 11. Combine us together and we make 22, our anniversary. Am I crazy? Yes. But it doesn't really bother him.

But there's more stuff than just having a boyfriend. I mean, even before that whole ordeal happened my life was better. I've got a roommate who I absolutely adore, and have known for 5 years now. My little ball of sunshine, Miss Anna Sweeney. I couldn't have fit in so well here without her guidance and expertise. She's introduced me to a whole new world on campus. I'm already more involved here because of her. I'm planning on pledging to the sorority she and all the friends she's introduced to me to belong to, and I'm playing intramural volleyball with all of them as well. (I suck at volleyball, but it's just the fact I've been included that makes me so elated!) You go girl. :)

And to new friends. Girls, mostly, you are a lifesaver. You've welcomed me in with open arms and joyful laughter, and hell, you didn't even get mad when I spilled root beer on your carpet (I really am sorry about that.) It's so much easier to make friends here, since everyone is just so open about saying "Hey, hows your day?" even if they have no idea who you are. I made this realization a long time ago, but it's only been reinforced: I don't think I ever want to leave Wisconsin. It's in my blood, and it's shaped who I am.

So a big Thank You to all of you. You've made my life so good that I feel like I shouldn't brag. But I'm so damn happy I need to. Share the joy. :)

The One I Wish I Was With.

I feel lame posting this. But for some reason it makes me think of him.
Year Without Rain
(THESE ARE NOT THE LYRICS TO THE ABOVE SONG)

My shirt still smells like you
my heart still beats like it did when your lips met mine
under the light
of the lamps glowing bright.

My thoughts are still with you
my skin still tingles where your hands brushed mine.
in a way
that made me melt.

Because when you're around the world seems right
like everything I'm fighting for is important to you
like it's important to me
Because when you're around I feel complete
like the missing puzzle piece has come back to me
after hiding away for so long.

I may have been jaded
I may have been hurt so many times it still hurts to feel
but not with you
you helped me to heal.

You say things to me
I can't understand why me, I ask, why me?
How did I get you
when I've tried to hard before.

Because when you're around the world seems right

like everything I'm fighting for is important to you

like it's important to me

Because when you're around I feel complete

like the missing puzzle piece has come back to me

after hiding away for so long.

So tell me, tell me,

tell me how this could possibly be.

So hold me, hold me,

until I understand your desire for me.

So whisper, whisper

in my ear everything you see

So kiss me, kiss me,

like you did that night with love in your eyes.

Because when you're around the world seems right

like everything I'm fighting for is important to you

like it's important to me

Because when you're around I feel complete

like the missing puzzle piece has come back to me

after hiding away for so long.

so long, so long.

Best Day Ever.

Im going to rant. But it's a happy rant. Are happy rants called "rants" or are they called something else??? I DONT KNOW!

Today was.... I can't even describe. Completely amazing. Stunning. Fantastic. Beautiful. My shirt still smells like him and my lips still tingle. STILL. It's been over an hour since he kissed me.... Yes, I said he kissed ME. I didn't kiss him. He was perfect today. He was adorable when we were alone, and smooth with my friends. They all approve. So do my parents.

Right before he was going to leave, he just held me, and I felt him breathing into my hair, and I could feel his heartbeat through his shirt. I never wanted to leave. I just wanted to stay there forever. And ever.

All In Vain? I THINK NOT!

This is another one of those infuriating anonymous posts im making about someone. but dont worry. if you're reading it, it's not you. trust me.

So basically it goes like this: I wrote a huge long multi paragraph rant about how I wanted you to just open your eyes and see what I was showing you. Really understand what I was saying to you. Hardly a week later, you become suddenly inspired, and you take my advice, to a whole new level in fact. You went out of your way to see me, did everything I wished in my head that you would do, without me even so much as lifting a finger or opening my mouth. You did it all on your own. To me, that's completely amazing. Mind-blowing, in fact. I've never had someone just up and do what I wanted without me telling them just how to do it. Even if you were nervous (yeah, I could tell. It was cute.)
Everything you did was.... timid, and shy. But it made my heart melt, even at your slightest touch of the hand. The hand that I even got to hold. I never dreamed YOU would be the first one to make a move on me, since I'm usually the one who has to do all the work. But you made it so easy.

I'm trying so hard not to get ahead of myself over you. I'm trying so hard not to be rash like I usually am, and end up ruining the whole thing. Because you're different. There's just... something about you. I can't describe it. But it keeps me coming back to you. Even when I said I would just give up on you for now, you were always there in the back of my mind. Like a soft whisper in my ear.
When my sweatshirt smelled like you.... I never wanted to put it down. The smell reminded me of everything. Your touch, your smile, your nervously adorable laugh, your hands on mine, and your eyes.... Your eyes. Your eyes are what I think of first. It's like you captured the sea in your eyes. So beautiful, yet so clear. I still can't read into you though. You confuse me, still.

I'm left sitting here wondering about the implications of your actions, wondering if you were doing what you did because you felt obligated (given the situation) or if you actually do have genuine feelings for me. I'm left here wondering if you're thinking about me like I think about you. I want to know your thoughts about me.... I want to know what to do. I don't want to overstep my boundaries with you, rather, I want you to come to me. Like my friend said, flirting is like a game of really lazy tag. You ever so gently touch them with your interest, let them know you're there, but don't run away. Rather, you wait  for them to gently tag you back. But at the same time, you can't keep reaching out and putting your hand on them. It makes them shy away from you. And as soon as you pull back, their interest grows again, wondering why you aren't tagging them back.

So I ask this: is this what we're doing? I tagged you first, almost too forcefully. When I finally pulled back, you felt it was time to tag me. So is it my turn again? Do I need to tag you again? Or should I lie in wait, hoping maybe you'll tag me again?

I guess these months of hard work weren't all in vain after all. But I'm wondering how many more months lie ahead of me.

I Feel Like I Should Post in Honor of the New Year

Ah, 2011. You're here at last. So marks the end of the year where so much happened. I graduated, I began college. I learned so much about myself, about what I can do, and what I can't do. Other things happened too, but those are for my ears and my eyes only.
But now I have to wonder what's in store for me in 2011. I have a feeling it's going to be a good year. Why? Well, it's partially my lucky number. I'm not generally too superstitious, but I just like to think that 11 is my lucky number. I'm not overly obsessive about it, but when 11 pops up in random daily things, usually what happens later is good, or so I would say..... lucky. So if my number is in the year, well, that's just setting me up for a good year. Or maybe since I believe it's going to be good, my own mind will work like a placebo and I'll make my own luck. Just simply by believing in my lucky number, I'll make the year "luckier."
I'm not making any new year's resolutions, however, no matter how much I feel like I should. I never stick to them, so what's the point of putting the effort into thinking them up if I'm just going to forget?

So basically here's the point: I've been in a good mood since... well January first really. And normally my good moods wear off. But this one has just been sticking around for a while. It's nice. Really nice. And it's a great way to start off what I'm going to make the best year of my life. :)

Should I Be Posting Anonymously About People Too?

I'll start this off with you, dearie. You are the closest thing I've got to a sister. We drifted a bit in high school, and I realize now that I wish we hadn't. But then college came around... and the strangest thing happened. People say usually distance makes people grow apart, but not us. Being far away made me yearn for you, not for all those other people I'd been pretending were my bestest friends for so long. It made me realize just how much I really do want you here in my world. Sometimes, yes, there are things that you do that irritate me. But the reason I love you so dearly is because I can look past those, and you look past the things about me that annoy you.

I can't really describe how I feel about you. Don't get me wrong, I love you so much. But I guess really love isn't the best way to describe it. What we have is this crazy deep understanding of one another that I've never achieved with anyone else. It's like our minds are hardwired pretty much the exact same way. Way back when I secretly used to dislike you for reasons that now seem so petty. You always seemed to be striving for attention, or you didn't pay enough attention to me, or some other stupid little thing that made me want to hate you. But I know you so well now, and I know all those things weren't what I thought they were.

I feel like I know you so well, yet at the same time, like I don't know you at all. I just didn't have enough time. We could have been best friends for life if only I'd stayed longer. As it is, we made such a deep connection over the span of four months that it amazes me. I never knew someone could become so precious to me so quickly. At first, our relationship was one of convenience, since you were always willing to be there when I just needed to escape. Then I found myself enjoying your presence and benefiting from the words that came from your mouth. Soon, I became almost.... addicted to having you around. I needed someone like you to counteract the depressive insanity that was threatening to take over my brain completely. I feel like honestly the only reason I survived as long as I did was because of you. So I guess in a way you saved my life. I guess I owe you big time.

I have no idea how we even became friends to tell you the truth. From the moment I saw you, I was drowned in jealousy. You seemed to have everything I wanted : a boyfriend, friends, this aura that radiated cool, a spot on the dance team. I just wanted to be like you and have the supposedly perfect life that you seemed to have. Little did I know that the front you put on for everyone was just a show. A cocoon of lies and falsity that you weaved around yourself so no one could see the true pain and hurt that was lurking beneath the smooth, happy mask you wore. But then all of a sudden you were there, in my life, allowing me to slowly tear down that cocoon and reveal all that you'd been trying to hide for so long. And what I found surprised me, but never once did I feel scared of hearing what you'd been through or what you were going through. Sure, we've fought and bickered and hated each other at times, but that still doesn't erase the fact that we know so much about what goes on behind the masks we wear that even if we wanted to forget, we couldn't.

You always were the voice of reason in my life. But sometimes I wonder about you. You always seem to want to help others, while never asking for help yourself. But then when you pour out what you've been caging up inside to me, I feel.... overwhelmed. Sometimes even a bit afraid. I don't know how to deal with what you tell me sometimes. The things you say are so deep and emotional that my brain often can't comprehend just what you're trying to get across. Usually what I wonder is, why are you telling me? I've never really seen myself as a person to confide your deepest feelings and desires to. I'm more of the kind of person you should turn to when you need someone to tell you what you want to hear. I don't understand your utter trust and confidence in me, it confuses me as to why you would trust someone like me. We're so completely different, yet.... So in sync at times.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel about you. You frustrate me, yet I don't think I could ever hate you. Even if you tried to kill me, I couldn't hate you. I may have only really met you once, but I feel so strongly for you it's not even funny. My feelings for you confuse me. I get frustrated with you because you're slow to respond to me, even though I know why. I'm impatient with this situation, because I can visualize us being what I want. I can see it so clearly in my head, yet it seems completely unattainable in the real world. I always have to hold myself back when I talk to you when really all I want to do is tell you to stop beating around the bush, grow a pair, man up, and take some initiative to please me. I pretend like you're into me, and those people who are around us pretend like you are too, but both my heart and my mind know you're just not at that point yet. My mind is screaming that you're a stubborn pain in the ass, and that I should just give up. But I'm just as stubborn, and I don't think I want to give up without a valiant fight.
When I first saw you, even though the very first glance was fleeting, the look did things to me that I have never felt before. It was something like nervousness combined with the feeling of jumping off a ten story building and seeing the most beautiful thing in the world. I couldn't think for a second, and all I could hear was my heart pounding loudly in my ears. My world was disoriented, turned upside down and inverted. I wasn't expecting you to sweep me off my feet, kiss me and then carry me off into the sunset at that moment, but a small part of my brain nearly cried when it didn't happen.
But you're something else alright. You're so much different than I ever expected, although I have no idea what I was expecting. But there's something about you that just makes me want to make you all mine. Even when there were other girls in the room I was feeling this weird protective jealousy over you, thinking at the others "you stay away, he's MINE." Why I'm so possessive over you I will never know, and I've never really been the ultra jealous type. There's just this thing about you that makes me want you all to myself. You were set up on such a high pedestal by our mutual friends, and you didn't disappoint.
But I can't help but wonder what went on inside your head. Were you as taken with me as I was with you? You can't possibly have felt like I did, nor can you feel like I do now. I don't even now if you're capable. You're certainly not willing, that's for sure. I just wish it could be easy. But you aren't going to make this easy. I'm going to have to work harder than I ever have before just to get you to see me as something other than just another girl. You're more to me than just a guy, but you don't know that. I want to tell you, but you won't let me. I've never felt so hopeless or confused about anyone before. Why do you, of all people, do this to me? I just wish that you would put forth as much effort as I am. It makes me wonder if I really should just listen to my head and let you go. If you're not trying, why should I? But no matter how much I rationalize, I realize that I don't want to give up. Our friends try to console me, reassure me and tell me that you do like me. But I know I'm still just barely in that "friend zone" with you, and that frustrates me. I just want so much more from you but I know I won't be getting it for a long time, if at all. I just wish I could ask you one thing: stop being so damn clueless, and really listen to what I'm saying to you. Maybe then this wouldn't all be in vain.