Plenty to Talk About.

I know I've probably lost all of my readers, but really at this point I don't particularly care. I need a place of my own to write down all my thoughts and get myself straight. I almost feel like I'm catching up with an old friend I haven't talked to since May right now. Get ready.

First off: Disaffiliation.
Was the best choice I ever made. I loved it. I made new friends, got to know the other sororities, their values, their members, and learned so much about myself that I don't think I could have continued life not having done this. It was indeed very difficult to give up my letters, to not be a part of my sorority and it's going-ons for three/four weeks. It was indeed one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was one of the most rewarding. I met some amazing women, most of whom are NOT in my sorority. I enjoy knowing people from other sororities and being one of those people with good cross-campus relationships.
It was certainly a lot of work, and I did miss out on a lot of other opportunities. But the thing is, I gained so much experience and learned so much about my world, myself, and the rest of my greek community. It was, and always will be, one of the best things I have done throughout college.

Secondly: Break ups.
So, sadly, I had to break things off with Aaron, my ex boyfriend now. We broke things off because... well, we weren't suited well for each other. It sucks, yes. My heart was broken, yes. But it was a learning experience. I know that he will always be there for me, and I, for him. He's still my best friend, he's just not suited to be my partner. Breaking up sucks balls. It sucks really big balls. But then again, you have to do things you don't want to do sometimes. My biggest fear about breaking up with him was the fear of losing him forever. But we decided that we couldn't live without one another, but we couldn't be lovers anymore. It made the breakup easier than it could have been any other way.
Sure, it sucks, not having that constant stream of attention and love. But in a way, it showed me so many things I never thought possible. It showed me I have the capacity to love, and to love for a long time. I have the ability to call someone mine for a long period of time. I no longer have a fear of committing myself to making a relationship I truly care about work. It showed me I'm a stronger person than I give myself credit for.

Finally: New loves.
I'm not mentioning anyone by name because I like the air of secrecy. And it's just more fun that way. But I have a new obsession. He's literally.... well. Perfect. In every way. I wish I could gush more about how he's in love with me too but sadly that doesn't seem to be the way the world works for me anymore. Trust me. It fucking sucks.
I haven't felt this strongly attracted to anyone in a long time. My problem? I feel shadowed by others, people close to me and people who aren't close to me. I just feel like I'm the last in line for his attention/affection. But the people before me aren't exactly the people I would be telling him to hang out with anyways. I'm a bit heart broken, considering he told me that he sees me as no more than a friend, a really good one, but still a friend. And that breaks my heart. I knew instantly that he was one of those rare people that you find in life that is so perfect for you, that they can't ever be with you. But I had hope. I had hope that maybe he'd ignore the voices in his head telling him that I was bad news. But he's too smart, too intelligent, too self-aware to not hear them. And thus, I have ruined my chances with him. All I can hope for now is that he doesn't hate me too much and that he still does actually want to be friends.
I just want the world to start working in the way my head has envisioned. Where the only thing I really need to worry about is balancing my time, doing homework, and getting a job after college. But as they say; "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

*~*

It's 2:30

And I'm going to post something that is probably one of the deepest and most profound thought's I've ever had. I'm honestly scared out of my mind to think about it. But you have to. You have to think about this stuff when the opportunity and situation arises where things get to complicated for you not to put it down in words.

I have it all. I really do. So why do I question myself? What's so important about something else that I have to question the perfection (or almost perfection) that I have?

I should be content. I am. Except when this happens. It always ends this way. *for those of you wondering why I'm being vague, it's because this is me, confessing my DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET online. And I can't just tell you straight up what's up*


Why do we have to choose? What if two options are just as perfect as one or the other? What pushes us over the edge? What TRULY makes us chose between one or the other? Some say time, others say it's you. But what if the circumstances make it impossible for time and you are not the most reliable source? What do you do then? Honestly.

What should one do, faced with the choice to say yes, or why?

There is never a no answer in this situation. It never happens, because it's rather impossible for that to happen. The universe won't let it.

But will the universe not let us decide? Or is that actually what's happening? Is the universe interfering in every day-to-day activities? Love lives? Destinies? I don't know. But right now, it sure feels like it. What are we doing? Why do these things happen at the worst times? Why do we question every single thing that's done up until now? Did we make a mistake? Or was it exactly how it was supposed to be? The problem we face is that we'll never know for sure. These "what-if's" are what make you question either path one must choose. But the problem is, once one is chosen, the other path is forever lost. You can't have both, because each one depends on the other being unsuccessful. "What-if's" are what make people lose everything they've ever dreamed and hoped for.  "What-if's" make people lose sight of what's important.

Yet these what if's cause us to question whether or not what we're doing is the right thing or not. If you're having these what-if's, should you even be doing what you're doing? Sometimes the answer is no. Because sometimes, both of those paths are the right one. You just need to chose which one you're going to go down. But this situation is the most confusing of all.

What if the universe gave you two chances to succeed. But both of these opportunities were presented at the same time, but the methods to achieving this success were gone about in different ways. Would you chose one over the other, even though both lead to the same success? What would you lose along the way? What would you gain? How would you know until you chose one path or the other? How would you know what would have happened if you'd taken the other road? You won't know. You'll never know, because life only gives you one choice. There are no second chances when it comes to things like this. But how do you choose? How do you know?


I've realized this. You don't. You'll never know what you lost. You'll never know what you left behind. But you'll know this; whatever you did chose was the best choice for you. Knowing yourself is what's going to lead you to this moment, and lead you to this choice that's inevitably going to change the course of your life and everything you know. Only you can decide. Because in the end, you're the only one who's going to be affected by your decision. As much as it may hurt others, you can't change their paths, you can only choose your own. Their path is theirs; and your path is yours. As much as it may hurt you to say "this is what I have to do," it's always going to be what you needed.

As much as people may believe in destiny and fate, I believe there may be a singular, very powerful force moving the universe. But that force, that singular thing that is moving you along, is determined and powered by you. You're the only one that makes decisions in your life. And people may tell you they're the wrong ones, but in the end, you did what you had to do, and anyone left behind wasn't important enough to make it through.

What you do with your life is yours. What I do with my life is mine.

But somehow, it all will make sense in the end. I just need to keep telling myself that.

Ours

Elevator buttons and morning air
Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now my time is theirs

Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, my choice is you

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine

And you'll say
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

And it's not theirs to speculate
If it's wrong and
Your hands are tough
But they are where mine belong and
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith
With this song for you

'Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
'Cause my heart is yours

So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours
They can't take what's ours

The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours

You're all going to laugh at me. But I really love this song.

I just met The Band Perry

Oh my god.

So I work at the Alliant Energy Center at the concessions stands for fundraising for Alpha. We get to go behind the scenes after our stands close. To make a long story short, that's where I was tonight. And the most fantastic thing happened.

I was working the Brad Paisley, Scotty McCreery, and The Band Perry concert at Alliant. And when my group and I were standing in back waiting to be cleared to go, The Band Perry walked by the door we were standing by and started up a conversation with us. It was probably the coolest thing ever.

And don't be all negative and be like whoop-dee-doo you met people. They're amazingly talented people, and meeting a celebrity is actually really cool! Either way, I'm really excited about meeting someone who has that much talent, and whose talent is so widely recognized.

Poem for Creative Writing

I may

Look as if nothing is important.

His arms, wrapping around my shoulders.

Smiles all around,

The light bounces off his dark hair.

He may

Look as if there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.

Their laughter, teasing us as we wrap ourselves in each other.

Laughter abundant,

The music adds a backdrop.

They may

Look as if they’re disapproving.

But really they love us, and the idea of us together.

Approval rampant,

Snap! The photo is taken.

I may

Look back on this picture with a smile on my face.

Realizing how much he means to me, and how much

That day,

Changed the world for me.

speak.

watching the seconds
trickle
            trickle
                        trickle
on by.

with each second
the time grows
slo-we-r

just waiting
just watching

ring. just ring.

speak. just speak.

words. just words.

I don't want to be left
hanging here. in the dust.

waiting for you to notice.
me.
me.
me.

I shouldn't be in the back of
your mind.

I am one of the most important things.

to you. I should be.

ring. just ring.

speak. just speak.

words.

only.

words.

Literary Magazine Submission!

I really hope you guys like this. :)

She sat quietly on the bench, hands folded in a neat clasp on her lap while her bright yellow headphones sang out tunes into her ears. Mac Miller blasted his lyrics in her ears while people passed her by on a cold winter’s day, most with their hoods up and hands in their pockets, not wanting to make a scene, only wanting to get where they were going. The girl, however, was in no kind of hurry. She waited, and watched as the cold slowly touched her face and gave her rosy cheeks and a bright red nose. The cold winter sun sparkled off the perfect white snow behind her and across the street, but she was more interested in the dirty black slush being kicked up by the people’s feet who were walking by.

She had a reason to be there, but she wasn’t really concerned by it in her moments of waiting. After all, she was just waiting. What else was there to do while waiting other than watch all the people rush by to things she could only imagine doing. She was pretty much alone in the world, only made happy by a few things in her life; her sketchbook, which lay underneath her folded hands; her music, which kept her livelihood going throughout the day; her guitar; and her one and only friend who just so happened to be the one she was waiting for on that park bench in the middle of winter. She gazed continuously at the sidewalk and the snow being pushed around by the boots of the pedestrians as they shuffled on by her, never really glancing twice at the girl in the black jacket, ripped jeans, combat boots and bright yellow headphones. She didn’t mind. Her existence was usually one that was overlooked by the majority of the population. It used to bother her, but then she found she liked being alone. It gave her time to sketch, and to ponder life without the daily interruptions of friends or distractions that normal people had to deal with.

She tapped her foot along to the beat and hummed the hook of the song playing in her ears. The cold was starting to get to her, but she just shivered and kept her place on her park bench. She was holding to a promise, one she had made a long time ago. She’d wait until every inch of her was frostbitten if that’s what it took. She promised to wait, and waiting is what she did. When he left, she had made a promise, and that promise had been to wait for him on that bench when he said he was coming home, just so he could find her. Her memories from that day slowly trickled back.

“I know I’m leaving, but I want you to know you’ll always be my best friend.” He said as he took her hands.

She quickly wiped the tear that was slowly trickling down her face and looked into the warm summer sun. “I can’t imagine life without you. What am I going to do?” She whispered.

“Wait. That’s what you can do for me. When I come home, wait for me on that bench we always used to sit on after school. I’ll come home, and I’ll see you there.”

She nodded. She hoped in her heart that her best friend, turned Marine, would actually come back for her. She knew his chances were slim, but her hope was strong enough to keep him alive.

She came back to her reality. It had been a year and a half since that day when he’d left. She remembered how he’d enlisted right out of high school. He’d told her that he wanted to do his duty for his country; he wanted to give back what his country had given him. He wanted to be just like his grandfather, a war hero. She had never protested, but rather encouraged. After all, he had always been a strong person ever since they were little. She’d known him her entire life and he had been her best friend for just as long. Indeed, life had been hard for her, but she’d carried on. She had gone to school and had gotten good grades, and pretended to make friends for her parent’s sake. But she never forgot him.

Then she’d gotten the letter. It had told her that her best friend, her Marine, was coming home. He told her the day, and told her not to forget what she’d promised him. And she never had. She didn’t know when that day he would come; she didn’t know how he was getting there. She didn’t know if he would be different, or if he would be the same. All the worries she had were bubbling to the surface, so she took a deep breath of the crisp wintery air and let it cool her body down. She tried to get lost in Mac’s words. She bobbed her head and closed her eyes, letting herself go for a little bit.

Then, even over the music pounding on the headphones, she heard a sound. It was the sound of heavy boots crunching the snow. But instead of coming from in front of her, it was coming from behind her. She slowly pulled down her headphones, not bothering to pause the music. She didn’t turn though, knowing he must have a reason for coming up behind her. She felt his arms curl around her shoulders over the back of the bench and she knew, just by his smell, that he was the same person he used to be. She closed her eyes again, letting herself get lost in the moment. She felt his cheek rest on top of hers, and she lifted her arms to grasp his. They stayed like that for several minutes, both of them just living in the moment, not wanting to miss a thing.

He finally loosened his arms from around her shoulders and came to sit next to her on the bench. He looked nearly the same; except his hair was buzzed close to his head and he had acquired a scar on his chin where there hadn’t been one before. No one said a word; the entire world felt like it had stopped the moment he sat down. No one moved, no one breathed. Just the cold winter breeze tousled her hair and she unconsciously shivered, not realizing just how cold she was and how long she’d been waiting to see him. His hazel eyes swept over her in worry, and he finally broke the silence.

“Let’s go inside somewhere. You look like you’re about to freeze.”

She couldn’t speak, so she nodded in agreement.

They stood up and walked into the high school across the street. It was open, to their surprise. He motioned to an empty classroom, and they promptly sat down. She didn’t know what to say, but he looked as if he was struggling to find the right words to say to her.

“What’s wrong?” She asked. “ You look…. Confused.”

He shook his head. “I’m getting up the courage to do this.”

She raised one eyebrow at him, and then, in one swift movement, he stood up from his desk and kissed her on the lips. She’d never been kissed before, thanks to her extremely secluded nature. But to come from him, her best friend, there was something totally different than what she’d ever imagined her first kiss to be like. There was fire, and passion, and something else she couldn’t explain. Before she could really do anything, he pulled away and sat back down.

“What was that?” She asked, bewildered.

“I’m sorry. Did you not like it?” He said apologetically.

“No no! I did! I was just…. Surprised.”

“You wanna know something?” He asked.

She nodded, and motioned for him to continue.

“I’ve been with the Marines now for a year and a half. All of the older men talk about their wives and children back home. The younger guys like me talk about their girlfriends and sweethearts back home. I had you to talk about. You didn’t start out that way, being my sweetheart or girlfriend. I told them how you were my best friend from birth, and how we were completely inseparable.  They asked if you were my girlfriend, or if I’d ever thought about it. I would laugh and say no, she’s my friend.

“But steadily as time went by I came to think of you as more than just my best friend. You are more. I needed their help to realize you mean the world to me and that I can’t find anyone better for me than you.

“So, I asked them what to do. They told me to come back and get you as soon as I could, lest I lose you to someone else. So that’s what I’m going to do.”

She sat there, motionless, speechless, and almost thoughtless. “What are you saying then?”

“That you need to be mine. I’m not going to lose you to someone else who doesn’t know you, who doesn’t deserve you, like I do.”

She nodded, not really knowing what else to say. She was filled with emotions, most of which scared her, and some of which pleasantly surprised her. She wasn’t quite sure how she felt about being anything other than his best friend, but the feelings that filled her from head to toe were telling her to try it out.

She nodded to him again, and said, “I think, to seal the deal, you should kiss me again.” She blushed, surprised by her own boldness.

He took her advice and kissed her again, then took her hands in his own. “Are you mine?”

She nodded a third time.

And they walked out of the school hand in hand.