i just wanted to let you know that you make me so proud to have you as a best friend. i could never have asked for a greater blessing in my life. one can never know the meaning of true happiness until a great friend shares everything with them. love is something that comes from knowing the person you love will never turn their back on you, will never laugh at you, will never share your secrets, and will never love you less than they do now. they can only love you more. i've begun to realize how much we need each other, how you're like the pillar i lean on, and how i'm like the mortar between the bricks that make you up. living without each other would mean we have no stable foundation to live off of. best friends can be easily found, but can never be replaced.
I wrote this on my best friend Anna Sweeney's facebook wall. this girl means the world to me, and so much more. I love you.
Monday, December 20, 2010
I Can't Do This.
I haven't cried for.... months. But tonight, it all came pouring out. I didn't cry when I left the amazing people I'd made friends with back in Michigan. I didn't cry when I had to leave all my old friends again after seeing them for only one night. I didn't cry when a boy I knew died. I didn't cry when a friend told me he couldn't be friends with me anymore. I didn't cry. For anything.
But, I think tonight was the final breaking point. I was reunited with a best friend, someone I've been able to trust for years, and someone I've loved with all my heart. It felt just like the old days. But when I came home and let myself think, I realized the old days were never coming back. The days of being carefree, not worrying about money, your future, your life. The days of spending hours in the presence of people you LOVE, not with the people who you are forced to be around. The days of music making, joke telling, snuggling, and laughter. They're gone. And that broke my heart more than anything ever has. I don't feel like, "Tia," anymore. The definition that goes along with that name no longer describes the person that I am now. I don't know my own name anymore.
Hell, I'm crying just writing this. Revisiting what I just felt a half hour ago. When your heart breaks, it's like someone's invisible hand reached right into your SOUL and pulled out the very essence of what makes you, you. And in that process, they split your heart in two and tore your world to shreds. All in a matter of a few seconds, leaving you no time to realize why. Then, all the bottled up tears and sorrows came flooding to the surface. I'd been hiding them under lock and key for so long, afraid to let my emotions show anymore around these new strange people. But I couldn't stop myself from crying. The tears flowed freely from my eyes, down my cheeks and dropping onto the floor.
I realized that I can't do this. I can't continue to be alone like this. I tried to make myself a loner, a person who only needs themselves, so as to save my heart from the pain I knew I would feel once I was reunited with my home, my childhood, my old life that I'd been yearning for. But it was all in vain. I didn't know what was in store for me. I felt like I'd been holding up the world before, but I'd had so many people there to help me. But I lost all the love and support when I went away except for a very select few who stuck with me and helped me hold up the world. Now that weight is starting to crash down on my shoulders and causing me to break under it's weight. I can't do this alone. I thought I could, but I can't. And I don't have enough people to help me hold up the world again.
People say when you lose a love, your heart breaks. Usually, they're talking about a person.
But what about your own life? Not literally, but spiritually?
One's heart breaks far worse then. I would know. It's broken right now.
But, I think tonight was the final breaking point. I was reunited with a best friend, someone I've been able to trust for years, and someone I've loved with all my heart. It felt just like the old days. But when I came home and let myself think, I realized the old days were never coming back. The days of being carefree, not worrying about money, your future, your life. The days of spending hours in the presence of people you LOVE, not with the people who you are forced to be around. The days of music making, joke telling, snuggling, and laughter. They're gone. And that broke my heart more than anything ever has. I don't feel like, "Tia," anymore. The definition that goes along with that name no longer describes the person that I am now. I don't know my own name anymore.
Hell, I'm crying just writing this. Revisiting what I just felt a half hour ago. When your heart breaks, it's like someone's invisible hand reached right into your SOUL and pulled out the very essence of what makes you, you. And in that process, they split your heart in two and tore your world to shreds. All in a matter of a few seconds, leaving you no time to realize why. Then, all the bottled up tears and sorrows came flooding to the surface. I'd been hiding them under lock and key for so long, afraid to let my emotions show anymore around these new strange people. But I couldn't stop myself from crying. The tears flowed freely from my eyes, down my cheeks and dropping onto the floor.
I realized that I can't do this. I can't continue to be alone like this. I tried to make myself a loner, a person who only needs themselves, so as to save my heart from the pain I knew I would feel once I was reunited with my home, my childhood, my old life that I'd been yearning for. But it was all in vain. I didn't know what was in store for me. I felt like I'd been holding up the world before, but I'd had so many people there to help me. But I lost all the love and support when I went away except for a very select few who stuck with me and helped me hold up the world. Now that weight is starting to crash down on my shoulders and causing me to break under it's weight. I can't do this alone. I thought I could, but I can't. And I don't have enough people to help me hold up the world again.
People say when you lose a love, your heart breaks. Usually, they're talking about a person.
But what about your own life? Not literally, but spiritually?
One's heart breaks far worse then. I would know. It's broken right now.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Flood
Window pane, smeared with mother nature's tears.
I can't see out, but I see shapes moving in the distance.
Lights twinkle, winking in and out like they're sending me a secret message.
But what they say I'll never know.
Slowly, slowly the seconds trickle by,
keeping time with the teardrops on the cold glass.
Not even the stars are out tonight, just blackness covering the earth.
The moon is being reborn.
My hand pressed against the glass, trapped inside I am.
The cold penetrates deep into my skin, sending shivers down my spine.
Mother nature speaks to me, tells me to just let it in.
Ignore the thunder, close your eyes when lightning flashes bright
Because after the storm whether day or night,
the sun will shine again.
I can't see out, but I see shapes moving in the distance.
Lights twinkle, winking in and out like they're sending me a secret message.
But what they say I'll never know.
Slowly, slowly the seconds trickle by,
keeping time with the teardrops on the cold glass.
Not even the stars are out tonight, just blackness covering the earth.
The moon is being reborn.
My hand pressed against the glass, trapped inside I am.
The cold penetrates deep into my skin, sending shivers down my spine.
Mother nature speaks to me, tells me to just let it in.
Ignore the thunder, close your eyes when lightning flashes bright
Because after the storm whether day or night,
the sun will shine again.
Find Yourself.
For years I've been guided
by many elder hands.
But now I'm cast into the cold
and left all alone.
Somehow I'm supposed to find my way
somehow I'm supposed to live.
And all I seem to be doing now
is fumbling blindly ahead.
I've become a stranger to myself.
I've become someone I don't know
I've been guided all my life,
and told what to do and where to go
But now I've been left to fend alone
in this brokenhearted cold
I've become a stranger to myself.
I've become somebody I don't know.
I now stumble in the darkness
holding my hands in front of me.
Feeling my way to freedom,
hoping to succeed.
Somehow they say you'll be just fine
somehow I'm going to prevail.
And all I seem to be doing now
is fumbling blindly ahead.
by many elder hands.
But now I'm cast into the cold
and left all alone.
Somehow I'm supposed to find my way
somehow I'm supposed to live.
And all I seem to be doing now
is fumbling blindly ahead.
I've become a stranger to myself.
I've become someone I don't know
I've been guided all my life,
and told what to do and where to go
But now I've been left to fend alone
in this brokenhearted cold
I've become a stranger to myself.
I've become somebody I don't know.
I now stumble in the darkness
holding my hands in front of me.
Feeling my way to freedom,
hoping to succeed.
Somehow they say you'll be just fine
somehow I'm going to prevail.
And all I seem to be doing now
is fumbling blindly ahead.
I've become a stranger to myself.
I've become someone I don't know
I've been guided all my life,
and told what to do and where to go
But now I've been left to fend alone
in this brokenhearted cold
I've become a stranger to myself.
I've become somebody I don't know.
And now I can see this newer me,
Is just an improvement of the old.
But as for the path I chose to tread
it's dark and it's cold.
and I've never loved the dark......
I've become a stranger to myself.
I've become someone I don't know
I've been guided all my life,
and told what to do and where to go
But now I've been left to fend alone
in this brokenhearted cold
I've become a stranger to myself.
I've become somebody I don't know.
Why Am I Still Awake?
So I haven't written recently... I've been a bad girl. But it seems like as soon as I got home to my blessed Wisconsin, I never really felt an urge to spend hours upon hours on facebook.... or my computer at all really. The only thing I use it for really anymore is skype and to look up songs to play on guitar.
Since coming home I've noticed a change in myself. Or maybe it was always there, I'm not really sure. But I seem to be more driven. I feel like I need to be busy studying or reading or just doing SOMETHING with my hands. I can't simply sit down and watch T.V. anymore. I played piano for three days straight when I came home. I learned a song that I never would have been able to play before simply because I had this new single-minded determinedness to get it right. I didn't get frustrated as easily, and to my amazement, I learned the song after just a few attempts. I played it constantly for two days. And when I wasn't playing piano, I was playing video games. Sure, I had to sit still, but my hands were moving.
And then came my visit to Whitewater. I felt like I was at home again, being back at school, walking everywhere, sleeping in a room where all my possessions seemed to be stashed, and of course, FREEDOM. But my visit was short-lived, but not pointless. Now, as I sit here in the room I called home for nearly 9 years, I realize, it doesn't feel like "home" anymore. I feel lonely, like my room is too big, and slightly claustrophobic. You don't realize just how much CRAP you have until you're back in the midst of it all after living on the bare minimum for so long. My bed has too many pillows, my floor is too soft. I have too many clothes, and just too many things I don't need, but don't want to throw away. At the same time, I feel too out in the open. I don't have someone sleeping above me, or across the room from me. I have the freedom to spread my crap anywhere I want to. But it feels... wrong now.
I haven't unpacked half of the boxes I brought home. I don't want to become re-attached to this place. After all, it's not my permanent home anymore. It struck me on my last night here before I left for CMU that I would never again sleep in this bed for more than three months at one time. I would never again be in the house year-round. I would never again be totally living here. I would never again "always be around." Each thing I did before I left I noted as my "last." My last shower, my last nap, my last song sung in the "guitar corner" I made for myself. It felt almost like... dying. I didn't realize how much I left behind until I came back and felt like my things had never left. But I felt like I'd been gone not just for a few months, but for YEARS. I felt like so much of the child who used to live there had been bullied out by the more reasonable and mature young adult that was emerging inside of me as the months passed in Michigan. I don't know if I know exactly who I am anymore. I don't know if I ever knew. But now I feel like my own mind is a stranger to me, or at least someone I've known only for a short time. My way of thinking has been altered, my way of doing as well. As some typical cheesy movie line would say "Who are you and what have you done with Tia?" That's exactly what I feel like.
Apparently I give off an "aura" now. People tell me when they haven't seen me since I went away to school that I look more "collegiate," whatever that means. Does it mean I look older? I don't think so. Does it mean I sound older? Maybe. I don't know why. I look at myself in the mirror and see a girl turned into a female in between the stages of teenager and adult. I've watched my face change over the months and I guess I don't realize how I've been altered. But others do. The people who remember my face from before. They notice a change. I have too, but it's one no one else can see. I find that I don't cry as easily as I used to. I find myself being oddly stoic more often than not. Is college turning me cold, stony, emotionless?
People say college "changes" you, but I never knew what they meant. I figured it made you seem either smarter or stupider, depending on what you filled your weekends with. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that it could make me a totally different person. Someone who wants to cry but can't. Someone who seems to now be questioning her life goals, her past actions, and her own beliefs. Why me? I ask. But why I'm asking this, or to whom, I don't know. I used to think of myself as sure of who I was, but disorganized. Now, I think of myself as a stranger to myself, a person fumbling in the darkness, trying to find her way. And I've always been afraid of the dark.
Since coming home I've noticed a change in myself. Or maybe it was always there, I'm not really sure. But I seem to be more driven. I feel like I need to be busy studying or reading or just doing SOMETHING with my hands. I can't simply sit down and watch T.V. anymore. I played piano for three days straight when I came home. I learned a song that I never would have been able to play before simply because I had this new single-minded determinedness to get it right. I didn't get frustrated as easily, and to my amazement, I learned the song after just a few attempts. I played it constantly for two days. And when I wasn't playing piano, I was playing video games. Sure, I had to sit still, but my hands were moving.
And then came my visit to Whitewater. I felt like I was at home again, being back at school, walking everywhere, sleeping in a room where all my possessions seemed to be stashed, and of course, FREEDOM. But my visit was short-lived, but not pointless. Now, as I sit here in the room I called home for nearly 9 years, I realize, it doesn't feel like "home" anymore. I feel lonely, like my room is too big, and slightly claustrophobic. You don't realize just how much CRAP you have until you're back in the midst of it all after living on the bare minimum for so long. My bed has too many pillows, my floor is too soft. I have too many clothes, and just too many things I don't need, but don't want to throw away. At the same time, I feel too out in the open. I don't have someone sleeping above me, or across the room from me. I have the freedom to spread my crap anywhere I want to. But it feels... wrong now.
I haven't unpacked half of the boxes I brought home. I don't want to become re-attached to this place. After all, it's not my permanent home anymore. It struck me on my last night here before I left for CMU that I would never again sleep in this bed for more than three months at one time. I would never again be in the house year-round. I would never again be totally living here. I would never again "always be around." Each thing I did before I left I noted as my "last." My last shower, my last nap, my last song sung in the "guitar corner" I made for myself. It felt almost like... dying. I didn't realize how much I left behind until I came back and felt like my things had never left. But I felt like I'd been gone not just for a few months, but for YEARS. I felt like so much of the child who used to live there had been bullied out by the more reasonable and mature young adult that was emerging inside of me as the months passed in Michigan. I don't know if I know exactly who I am anymore. I don't know if I ever knew. But now I feel like my own mind is a stranger to me, or at least someone I've known only for a short time. My way of thinking has been altered, my way of doing as well. As some typical cheesy movie line would say "Who are you and what have you done with Tia?" That's exactly what I feel like.
Apparently I give off an "aura" now. People tell me when they haven't seen me since I went away to school that I look more "collegiate," whatever that means. Does it mean I look older? I don't think so. Does it mean I sound older? Maybe. I don't know why. I look at myself in the mirror and see a girl turned into a female in between the stages of teenager and adult. I've watched my face change over the months and I guess I don't realize how I've been altered. But others do. The people who remember my face from before. They notice a change. I have too, but it's one no one else can see. I find that I don't cry as easily as I used to. I find myself being oddly stoic more often than not. Is college turning me cold, stony, emotionless?
People say college "changes" you, but I never knew what they meant. I figured it made you seem either smarter or stupider, depending on what you filled your weekends with. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that it could make me a totally different person. Someone who wants to cry but can't. Someone who seems to now be questioning her life goals, her past actions, and her own beliefs. Why me? I ask. But why I'm asking this, or to whom, I don't know. I used to think of myself as sure of who I was, but disorganized. Now, I think of myself as a stranger to myself, a person fumbling in the darkness, trying to find her way. And I've always been afraid of the dark.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
I'm such a loser.
This is what I do when I'm skyping with Anna and trying to help her do math. Obviously, I would fail the test. Do I get kudos for creativity?
Boreddd
When I was younger, I used to dream about living on my own and living in California, or Arizona, or somewhere warm. Now that I'm anywhere but the place I grew up, I realize I don't want to be any where else but there. I just want Wisconsin and nothing but back in my veins....
8 days....
8 days....
Salvation comes in 8 days.
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