I wanted to post about him. So badly. But it hurt too much to even think his name, nevertheless type it. Aaron Frommgen.... My boyfriend of 4 months. Well, technically now, Ex-boyfriend. Which for some reason makes me really scared and really sad all at the same time.
Did I love him? Maybe? I don't really know what love is to be honest. But no, I don't think I did, or I wouldn't have broken up with him so fast. I think rather, he held a really special place in my heart that hadn't been occupied since my first love (in his case, yeah I'm pretty much still in love with him. He shall remain anonymous though because I want him to.) He was almost there, but call me stupid, I don't think it was him who was lacking. It was me.
He was the most amazing boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. He was kind, courteous, even a bit chivalrous at times. He knew when to ask questions and when he needed to just hold me and let me cry. We hardly ever fought, and in the four months we were together, we had only one big fight. We'd squabble over little, insignificant things, but in the end we'd always be laughing.
He was always there for me, when the times started getting rough, always urging me to not give up and to just keep on going. There was a time this past semester when I was in a very depressive state, and he was the only thing keeping me going. Because it had seemed as if everything (and everyone) else around me either didn't have time for me, or just simply had a reason to hate me.
He made me a better person, that's for sure. He inspired me to do things with myself that I never would have really thought of before. And he was always a positive influence when it seemed like all I wanted to do was just throw my hands up and scream. Life had gotten REALLY complicated, and he was the only thing I understood anymore.
So why did I have to break his heart? Because I wasn't being fair. I wasn't the best girlfriend I could be, and I knew he loved me more than I could EVER possibly love him. And that just wasn't fair to him. Or to the girl who someday is going to be walking down the aisle towards him. I didn't want to be the thing holding him back from bigger and better things that were in his future. Sure, he may have thought I was the right one, but the feeling had to be mutual. And after about three months, it wasn't. I couldn't keep going on, keeping up the facade I was holding up, and hoping he wouldn't see through it. And I certainly didn't want to be the cause of him losing out on so many opportunities in his life because he was so concerned about me all the time.
This leads me to another point: This time about myself.
He made me realize something, about myself. I'm more flighty than you can ever possibly imagine. I don't like conflict, I don't like deadlines or due dates, or planning things in advance. I go with the flow and with what my heart tells me. He made me realize though, that I CAN hold on to a good thing for longer than just a few weeks. He made me realize that there is hope, maybe, for me to actually stay with one person for the rest of my life.
Before he came along, I never thought I would get married, ever. Because I couldn't keep anyone around for longer than 5 weeks (that was my longest relationship before him). I figured I'd just deal with it then, and let it go. "I guess I'm just meant to be a tease the rest of my life," I thought. But he showed me that wasn't so.
I guess there still is hope for me. Even if my reputation as the heartbreaker still lingers.
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