I'll start this off with you, dearie. You are the closest thing I've got to a sister. We drifted a bit in high school, and I realize now that I wish we hadn't. But then college came around... and the strangest thing happened. People say usually distance makes people grow apart, but not us. Being far away made me yearn for you, not for all those other people I'd been pretending were my bestest friends for so long. It made me realize just how much I really do want you here in my world. Sometimes, yes, there are things that you do that irritate me. But the reason I love you so dearly is because I can look past those, and you look past the things about me that annoy you.
I can't really describe how I feel about you. Don't get me wrong, I love you so much. But I guess really love isn't the best way to describe it. What we have is this crazy deep understanding of one another that I've never achieved with anyone else. It's like our minds are hardwired pretty much the exact same way. Way back when I secretly used to dislike you for reasons that now seem so petty. You always seemed to be striving for attention, or you didn't pay enough attention to me, or some other stupid little thing that made me want to hate you. But I know you so well now, and I know all those things weren't what I thought they were.
I feel like I know you so well, yet at the same time, like I don't know you at all. I just didn't have enough time. We could have been best friends for life if only I'd stayed longer. As it is, we made such a deep connection over the span of four months that it amazes me. I never knew someone could become so precious to me so quickly. At first, our relationship was one of convenience, since you were always willing to be there when I just needed to escape. Then I found myself enjoying your presence and benefiting from the words that came from your mouth. Soon, I became almost.... addicted to having you around. I needed someone like you to counteract the depressive insanity that was threatening to take over my brain completely. I feel like honestly the only reason I survived as long as I did was because of you. So I guess in a way you saved my life. I guess I owe you big time.
I have no idea how we even became friends to tell you the truth. From the moment I saw you, I was drowned in jealousy. You seemed to have everything I wanted : a boyfriend, friends, this aura that radiated cool, a spot on the dance team. I just wanted to be like you and have the supposedly perfect life that you seemed to have. Little did I know that the front you put on for everyone was just a show. A cocoon of lies and falsity that you weaved around yourself so no one could see the true pain and hurt that was lurking beneath the smooth, happy mask you wore. But then all of a sudden you were there, in my life, allowing me to slowly tear down that cocoon and reveal all that you'd been trying to hide for so long. And what I found surprised me, but never once did I feel scared of hearing what you'd been through or what you were going through. Sure, we've fought and bickered and hated each other at times, but that still doesn't erase the fact that we know so much about what goes on behind the masks we wear that even if we wanted to forget, we couldn't.
You always were the voice of reason in my life. But sometimes I wonder about you. You always seem to want to help others, while never asking for help yourself. But then when you pour out what you've been caging up inside to me, I feel.... overwhelmed. Sometimes even a bit afraid. I don't know how to deal with what you tell me sometimes. The things you say are so deep and emotional that my brain often can't comprehend just what you're trying to get across. Usually what I wonder is, why are you telling me? I've never really seen myself as a person to confide your deepest feelings and desires to. I'm more of the kind of person you should turn to when you need someone to tell you what you want to hear. I don't understand your utter trust and confidence in me, it confuses me as to why you would trust someone like me. We're so completely different, yet.... So in sync at times.
I can't even begin to describe how I feel about you. You frustrate me, yet I don't think I could ever hate you. Even if you tried to kill me, I couldn't hate you. I may have only really met you once, but I feel so strongly for you it's not even funny. My feelings for you confuse me. I get frustrated with you because you're slow to respond to me, even though I know why. I'm impatient with this situation, because I can visualize us being what I want. I can see it so clearly in my head, yet it seems completely unattainable in the real world. I always have to hold myself back when I talk to you when really all I want to do is tell you to stop beating around the bush, grow a pair, man up, and take some initiative to please me. I pretend like you're into me, and those people who are around us pretend like you are too, but both my heart and my mind know you're just not at that point yet. My mind is screaming that you're a stubborn pain in the ass, and that I should just give up. But I'm just as stubborn, and I don't think I want to give up without a valiant fight.
When I first saw you, even though the very first glance was fleeting, the look did things to me that I have never felt before. It was something like nervousness combined with the feeling of jumping off a ten story building and seeing the most beautiful thing in the world. I couldn't think for a second, and all I could hear was my heart pounding loudly in my ears. My world was disoriented, turned upside down and inverted. I wasn't expecting you to sweep me off my feet, kiss me and then carry me off into the sunset at that moment, but a small part of my brain nearly cried when it didn't happen.
But you're something else alright. You're so much different than I ever expected, although I have no idea what I was expecting. But there's something about you that just makes me want to make you all mine. Even when there were other girls in the room I was feeling this weird protective jealousy over you, thinking at the others "you stay away, he's MINE." Why I'm so possessive over you I will never know, and I've never really been the ultra jealous type. There's just this thing about you that makes me want you all to myself. You were set up on such a high pedestal by our mutual friends, and you didn't disappoint.
But I can't help but wonder what went on inside your head. Were you as taken with me as I was with you? You can't possibly have felt like I did, nor can you feel like I do now. I don't even now if you're capable. You're certainly not willing, that's for sure. I just wish it could be easy. But you aren't going to make this easy. I'm going to have to work harder than I ever have before just to get you to see me as something other than just another girl. You're more to me than just a guy, but you don't know that. I want to tell you, but you won't let me. I've never felt so hopeless or confused about anyone before. Why do you, of all people, do this to me? I just wish that you would put forth as much effort as I am. It makes me wonder if I really should just listen to my head and let you go. If you're not trying, why should I? But no matter how much I rationalize, I realize that I don't want to give up. Our friends try to console me, reassure me and tell me that you do like me. But I know I'm still just barely in that "friend zone" with you, and that frustrates me. I just want so much more from you but I know I won't be getting it for a long time, if at all. I just wish I could ask you one thing: stop being so damn clueless, and really listen to what I'm saying to you. Maybe then this wouldn't all be in vain.
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