How Lucky Am I To Have You

My life.... is fucked up.

So I thought coming back from michigan would make me feel better. I thought living with my best friend would make everything so much more fun. I thought pledging to a sorority would make me new friends.

It's all lies.

I hate it here.

The one good thing I have in my life right now is Aaron. He's basically keeping me alive right now. Because otherwise, I would be 6 feet under due to my own hatred for myself. I'm starting to cry out for help. Literally cry. I need a friend, a confidant, other than my other half. I wish I was more mature, I wish I could help myself, I wish I could just do what I need to get done but I can't. I'm not at the right level of maturity. I thought it was the school that was making me hate life so much. But I realize now, it's not the school, it's me. I'm not ready for this, none of it. I'm not mature enough, or organized enough, or even motivated enough to fulfill my duties as a student. I can't concentrate.
I wish my friends here understood me like Mark did. I miss him. He was probably the one genuine friend I have made since graduating. He was a rock for me. And because of my immaturity and stupidity, I left the best friend I could ever have back in a state I will never visit again. Why do I do this to myself??

But there is one thing that I thank God every day for. Aaron. He had been the one thing keeping me from departing this earth entirely. I care not what anyone else thinks as much as his opinion. My life will never be the same if he left. he's the most important thing to me right now.

Mrow?

I'm gonna come right out and say it: I'm so damn confused right now. I went back and was reading all the posts I made while in Michigan. I was being melodramatic. I miss Michigan... Just a little. I miss how free I felt, how well acquainted I was with campus, how I seemed to know everything that was going on at all times. Hell, I never realized how many people I knew up there.
Oh sure, I know just as many people here, if not more. Sure, I'm more involved. Sure, I've got a boyfriend who is completely and utterly amazing. And sure, I've got the best roommate ever. But somehow, after I left, I only retained the happy memories I have from Michigan. And there's a lot. I want to go back.... Maybe not forever, or even for a semester, just for a week, or even a day. Just to see all the things and people I left behind. I miss them, I miss it. CMU, yeah. I miss you. Wtf.

The whole time I was there, I wanted to come back. Now that I'm back, I want to go there. Why can't I just be happy where I am and accept the fact I'm not going back?? Ever? It's starting to drive me insane because I can't seem to just be HAPPY. I'm in a good, no, WONDERFUL place here. I'm having so much fun, and I love it here at UWW, but it's almost like I want something horrible to happen, just to counteract all this perfection thats going on. I feel.... lost almost. Like everything right now is too perfect. People may strive for perfection, but really.... It's not great. I just want to understand why this is happening to me. Why should I yearn for the most dark and depressing time of my life once more? I'm perfectly content where I am. I love being here.... So why am I so doubtful?