Monday, October 8, 2012
Sorry If You Get Confused!
I'm cleaning up my blog because I applied for an internship that focuses on blogging, so I attached my blog to my new website so yeah. Although, I may just make a new one. Hey, let's do that instead. OKIE DOKIE GUYS!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Plenty to Talk About.
I know I've probably lost all of my readers, but really at this point I don't particularly care. I need a place of my own to write down all my thoughts and get myself straight. I almost feel like I'm catching up with an old friend I haven't talked to since May right now. Get ready.
First off: Disaffiliation.
Was the best choice I ever made. I loved it. I made new friends, got to know the other sororities, their values, their members, and learned so much about myself that I don't think I could have continued life not having done this. It was indeed very difficult to give up my letters, to not be a part of my sorority and it's going-ons for three/four weeks. It was indeed one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was one of the most rewarding. I met some amazing women, most of whom are NOT in my sorority. I enjoy knowing people from other sororities and being one of those people with good cross-campus relationships.
It was certainly a lot of work, and I did miss out on a lot of other opportunities. But the thing is, I gained so much experience and learned so much about my world, myself, and the rest of my greek community. It was, and always will be, one of the best things I have done throughout college.
Secondly: Break ups.
So, sadly, I had to break things off with Aaron, my ex boyfriend now. We broke things off because... well, we weren't suited well for each other. It sucks, yes. My heart was broken, yes. But it was a learning experience. I know that he will always be there for me, and I, for him. He's still my best friend, he's just not suited to be my partner. Breaking up sucks balls. It sucks really big balls. But then again, you have to do things you don't want to do sometimes. My biggest fear about breaking up with him was the fear of losing him forever. But we decided that we couldn't live without one another, but we couldn't be lovers anymore. It made the breakup easier than it could have been any other way.
Sure, it sucks, not having that constant stream of attention and love. But in a way, it showed me so many things I never thought possible. It showed me I have the capacity to love, and to love for a long time. I have the ability to call someone mine for a long period of time. I no longer have a fear of committing myself to making a relationship I truly care about work. It showed me I'm a stronger person than I give myself credit for.
Finally: New loves.
I'm not mentioning anyone by name because I like the air of secrecy. And it's just more fun that way. But I have a new obsession. He's literally.... well. Perfect. In every way. I wish I could gush more about how he's in love with me too but sadly that doesn't seem to be the way the world works for me anymore. Trust me. It fucking sucks.
I haven't felt this strongly attracted to anyone in a long time. My problem? I feel shadowed by others, people close to me and people who aren't close to me. I just feel like I'm the last in line for his attention/affection. But the people before me aren't exactly the people I would be telling him to hang out with anyways. I'm a bit heart broken, considering he told me that he sees me as no more than a friend, a really good one, but still a friend. And that breaks my heart. I knew instantly that he was one of those rare people that you find in life that is so perfect for you, that they can't ever be with you. But I had hope. I had hope that maybe he'd ignore the voices in his head telling him that I was bad news. But he's too smart, too intelligent, too self-aware to not hear them. And thus, I have ruined my chances with him. All I can hope for now is that he doesn't hate me too much and that he still does actually want to be friends.
I just want the world to start working in the way my head has envisioned. Where the only thing I really need to worry about is balancing my time, doing homework, and getting a job after college. But as they say; "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."
*~*
First off: Disaffiliation.
Was the best choice I ever made. I loved it. I made new friends, got to know the other sororities, their values, their members, and learned so much about myself that I don't think I could have continued life not having done this. It was indeed very difficult to give up my letters, to not be a part of my sorority and it's going-ons for three/four weeks. It was indeed one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it was one of the most rewarding. I met some amazing women, most of whom are NOT in my sorority. I enjoy knowing people from other sororities and being one of those people with good cross-campus relationships.
It was certainly a lot of work, and I did miss out on a lot of other opportunities. But the thing is, I gained so much experience and learned so much about my world, myself, and the rest of my greek community. It was, and always will be, one of the best things I have done throughout college.
Secondly: Break ups.
So, sadly, I had to break things off with Aaron, my ex boyfriend now. We broke things off because... well, we weren't suited well for each other. It sucks, yes. My heart was broken, yes. But it was a learning experience. I know that he will always be there for me, and I, for him. He's still my best friend, he's just not suited to be my partner. Breaking up sucks balls. It sucks really big balls. But then again, you have to do things you don't want to do sometimes. My biggest fear about breaking up with him was the fear of losing him forever. But we decided that we couldn't live without one another, but we couldn't be lovers anymore. It made the breakup easier than it could have been any other way.
Sure, it sucks, not having that constant stream of attention and love. But in a way, it showed me so many things I never thought possible. It showed me I have the capacity to love, and to love for a long time. I have the ability to call someone mine for a long period of time. I no longer have a fear of committing myself to making a relationship I truly care about work. It showed me I'm a stronger person than I give myself credit for.
Finally: New loves.
I'm not mentioning anyone by name because I like the air of secrecy. And it's just more fun that way. But I have a new obsession. He's literally.... well. Perfect. In every way. I wish I could gush more about how he's in love with me too but sadly that doesn't seem to be the way the world works for me anymore. Trust me. It fucking sucks.
I haven't felt this strongly attracted to anyone in a long time. My problem? I feel shadowed by others, people close to me and people who aren't close to me. I just feel like I'm the last in line for his attention/affection. But the people before me aren't exactly the people I would be telling him to hang out with anyways. I'm a bit heart broken, considering he told me that he sees me as no more than a friend, a really good one, but still a friend. And that breaks my heart. I knew instantly that he was one of those rare people that you find in life that is so perfect for you, that they can't ever be with you. But I had hope. I had hope that maybe he'd ignore the voices in his head telling him that I was bad news. But he's too smart, too intelligent, too self-aware to not hear them. And thus, I have ruined my chances with him. All I can hope for now is that he doesn't hate me too much and that he still does actually want to be friends.
I just want the world to start working in the way my head has envisioned. Where the only thing I really need to worry about is balancing my time, doing homework, and getting a job after college. But as they say; "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."
*~*
Saturday, May 26, 2012
It's 2:30
And I'm going to post something that is probably one of the deepest and most profound thought's I've ever had. I'm honestly scared out of my mind to think about it. But you have to. You have to think about this stuff when the opportunity and situation arises where things get to complicated for you not to put it down in words.
I have it all. I really do. So why do I question myself? What's so important about something else that I have to question the perfection (or almost perfection) that I have?
I should be content. I am. Except when this happens. It always ends this way. *for those of you wondering why I'm being vague, it's because this is me, confessing my DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET online. And I can't just tell you straight up what's up*
Why do we have to choose? What if two options are just as perfect as one or the other? What pushes us over the edge? What TRULY makes us chose between one or the other? Some say time, others say it's you. But what if the circumstances make it impossible for time and you are not the most reliable source? What do you do then? Honestly.
What should one do, faced with the choice to say yes, or why?
There is never a no answer in this situation. It never happens, because it's rather impossible for that to happen. The universe won't let it.
But will the universe not let us decide? Or is that actually what's happening? Is the universe interfering in every day-to-day activities? Love lives? Destinies? I don't know. But right now, it sure feels like it. What are we doing? Why do these things happen at the worst times? Why do we question every single thing that's done up until now? Did we make a mistake? Or was it exactly how it was supposed to be? The problem we face is that we'll never know for sure. These "what-if's" are what make you question either path one must choose. But the problem is, once one is chosen, the other path is forever lost. You can't have both, because each one depends on the other being unsuccessful. "What-if's" are what make people lose everything they've ever dreamed and hoped for. "What-if's" make people lose sight of what's important.
Yet these what if's cause us to question whether or not what we're doing is the right thing or not. If you're having these what-if's, should you even be doing what you're doing? Sometimes the answer is no. Because sometimes, both of those paths are the right one. You just need to chose which one you're going to go down. But this situation is the most confusing of all.
What if the universe gave you two chances to succeed. But both of these opportunities were presented at the same time, but the methods to achieving this success were gone about in different ways. Would you chose one over the other, even though both lead to the same success? What would you lose along the way? What would you gain? How would you know until you chose one path or the other? How would you know what would have happened if you'd taken the other road? You won't know. You'll never know, because life only gives you one choice. There are no second chances when it comes to things like this. But how do you choose? How do you know?
I've realized this. You don't. You'll never know what you lost. You'll never know what you left behind. But you'll know this; whatever you did chose was the best choice for you. Knowing yourself is what's going to lead you to this moment, and lead you to this choice that's inevitably going to change the course of your life and everything you know. Only you can decide. Because in the end, you're the only one who's going to be affected by your decision. As much as it may hurt others, you can't change their paths, you can only choose your own. Their path is theirs; and your path is yours. As much as it may hurt you to say "this is what I have to do," it's always going to be what you needed.
As much as people may believe in destiny and fate, I believe there may be a singular, very powerful force moving the universe. But that force, that singular thing that is moving you along, is determined and powered by you. You're the only one that makes decisions in your life. And people may tell you they're the wrong ones, but in the end, you did what you had to do, and anyone left behind wasn't important enough to make it through.
What you do with your life is yours. What I do with my life is mine.
But somehow, it all will make sense in the end. I just need to keep telling myself that.
I have it all. I really do. So why do I question myself? What's so important about something else that I have to question the perfection (or almost perfection) that I have?
I should be content. I am. Except when this happens. It always ends this way. *for those of you wondering why I'm being vague, it's because this is me, confessing my DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET online. And I can't just tell you straight up what's up*
Why do we have to choose? What if two options are just as perfect as one or the other? What pushes us over the edge? What TRULY makes us chose between one or the other? Some say time, others say it's you. But what if the circumstances make it impossible for time and you are not the most reliable source? What do you do then? Honestly.
What should one do, faced with the choice to say yes, or why?
There is never a no answer in this situation. It never happens, because it's rather impossible for that to happen. The universe won't let it.
But will the universe not let us decide? Or is that actually what's happening? Is the universe interfering in every day-to-day activities? Love lives? Destinies? I don't know. But right now, it sure feels like it. What are we doing? Why do these things happen at the worst times? Why do we question every single thing that's done up until now? Did we make a mistake? Or was it exactly how it was supposed to be? The problem we face is that we'll never know for sure. These "what-if's" are what make you question either path one must choose. But the problem is, once one is chosen, the other path is forever lost. You can't have both, because each one depends on the other being unsuccessful. "What-if's" are what make people lose everything they've ever dreamed and hoped for. "What-if's" make people lose sight of what's important.
Yet these what if's cause us to question whether or not what we're doing is the right thing or not. If you're having these what-if's, should you even be doing what you're doing? Sometimes the answer is no. Because sometimes, both of those paths are the right one. You just need to chose which one you're going to go down. But this situation is the most confusing of all.
What if the universe gave you two chances to succeed. But both of these opportunities were presented at the same time, but the methods to achieving this success were gone about in different ways. Would you chose one over the other, even though both lead to the same success? What would you lose along the way? What would you gain? How would you know until you chose one path or the other? How would you know what would have happened if you'd taken the other road? You won't know. You'll never know, because life only gives you one choice. There are no second chances when it comes to things like this. But how do you choose? How do you know?
I've realized this. You don't. You'll never know what you lost. You'll never know what you left behind. But you'll know this; whatever you did chose was the best choice for you. Knowing yourself is what's going to lead you to this moment, and lead you to this choice that's inevitably going to change the course of your life and everything you know. Only you can decide. Because in the end, you're the only one who's going to be affected by your decision. As much as it may hurt others, you can't change their paths, you can only choose your own. Their path is theirs; and your path is yours. As much as it may hurt you to say "this is what I have to do," it's always going to be what you needed.
As much as people may believe in destiny and fate, I believe there may be a singular, very powerful force moving the universe. But that force, that singular thing that is moving you along, is determined and powered by you. You're the only one that makes decisions in your life. And people may tell you they're the wrong ones, but in the end, you did what you had to do, and anyone left behind wasn't important enough to make it through.
What you do with your life is yours. What I do with my life is mine.
But somehow, it all will make sense in the end. I just need to keep telling myself that.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Ours
Elevator buttons and morning air
Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now my time is theirs
Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, my choice is you
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours
You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine
And you'll say
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours
And it's not theirs to speculate
If it's wrong and
Your hands are tough
But they are where mine belong and
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith
With this song for you
'Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
'Cause my heart is yours
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours
They can't take what's ours
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours
Strangers' silence makes me want to take the stairs
If you were here we'd laugh about their vacant stares
But right now my time is theirs
Seems like there's always someone who disapproves
They'll judge it like they know about me and you
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do
The jury's out, my choice is you
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours
You never know what people have up their sleeves
Ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me
Lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles
But I don't care 'cause right now you're mine
And you'll say
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours
And it's not theirs to speculate
If it's wrong and
Your hands are tough
But they are where mine belong and
I'll fight their doubt and give you faith
With this song for you
'Cause I love the gap between your teeth
And I love the riddles that you speak
And any snide remarks from my father about your tattoos will be ignored
'Cause my heart is yours
So don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
And life makes love look hard
Don't you worry your pretty little mind
People throw rocks at things that shine
But they can't take what's ours
They can't take what's ours
The stakes are high, the water's rough
But this love is ours
You're all going to laugh at me. But I really love this song.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I just met The Band Perry
Oh my god.
So I work at the Alliant Energy Center at the concessions stands for fundraising for Alpha. We get to go behind the scenes after our stands close. To make a long story short, that's where I was tonight. And the most fantastic thing happened.
I was working the Brad Paisley, Scotty McCreery, and The Band Perry concert at Alliant. And when my group and I were standing in back waiting to be cleared to go, The Band Perry walked by the door we were standing by and started up a conversation with us. It was probably the coolest thing ever.
And don't be all negative and be like whoop-dee-doo you met people. They're amazingly talented people, and meeting a celebrity is actually really cool! Either way, I'm really excited about meeting someone who has that much talent, and whose talent is so widely recognized.
So I work at the Alliant Energy Center at the concessions stands for fundraising for Alpha. We get to go behind the scenes after our stands close. To make a long story short, that's where I was tonight. And the most fantastic thing happened.
I was working the Brad Paisley, Scotty McCreery, and The Band Perry concert at Alliant. And when my group and I were standing in back waiting to be cleared to go, The Band Perry walked by the door we were standing by and started up a conversation with us. It was probably the coolest thing ever.
And don't be all negative and be like whoop-dee-doo you met people. They're amazingly talented people, and meeting a celebrity is actually really cool! Either way, I'm really excited about meeting someone who has that much talent, and whose talent is so widely recognized.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Poem for Creative Writing
I may
Look as if nothing is important.
His arms, wrapping around my shoulders.
Smiles all around,
The light bounces off his dark hair.
He may
Look as if there’s nowhere else he’d rather be.
Their laughter, teasing us as we wrap ourselves in each
other.
Laughter abundant,
The music adds a backdrop.
They may
Look as if they’re disapproving.
But really they love us, and the idea of us together.
Approval rampant,
Snap! The photo is taken.
I may
Look back on this picture with a smile on my face.
Realizing how much he means to me, and how much
That day,
Changed the world for me.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
speak.
watching the seconds
trickle
trickle
trickle
on by.
with each second
the time grows
slo-we-r
just waiting
just watching
ring. just ring.
speak. just speak.
words. just words.
I don't want to be left
hanging here. in the dust.
waiting for you to notice.
me.
me.
me.
I shouldn't be in the back of
your mind.
I am one of the most important things.
to you. I should be.
ring. just ring.
speak. just speak.
words.
only.
words.
trickle
trickle
trickle
on by.
with each second
the time grows
slo-we-r
just waiting
just watching
ring. just ring.
speak. just speak.
words. just words.
I don't want to be left
hanging here. in the dust.
waiting for you to notice.
me.
me.
me.
I shouldn't be in the back of
your mind.
I am one of the most important things.
to you. I should be.
ring. just ring.
speak. just speak.
words.
only.
words.
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